goodbye.

the end.

curent mood: done.
current music: the smiths - heavens knows i'm miserable now.

let the record show

i felt like a disease.
i never gave up on the universe. it gave up on me long ago. i gave it all the positive visualizations it wanted and more, but it turned its back on me and forced me to go at it alone.

so i reached out to some friends, those whose love i feel is unfaltered, despite my mood or energy.
and it turns out that im not so alone in this world. their love is as close to unconditional as you can get amongst a group of hipsters, slackers, and young flamboyants trying to make ends meet in san francisco.

this gave me courage enough to pick up the phone and call my parents. i begged them for help. i was sobbing and honest and i begged them for some kind of help. my father sent some rent money and my mother sent xanax. both the money and the pills will be in my possession by tuesday.


help is on the way.

i've not written and i've no plans to write anytime soon. im only here to explain.
i've fallen into a 'clinical depression'. its pretty severe and the only reason my therapist hasnt hospitalized me is because i am not suicidal. i hate myself. and the fact that i am too much of a chicken shit to actually end it all makes me hate myself all the more.
i have been fighting off depression since i was 12 yrs old. sometimes medication helped, sometimes it didnt. this time, i'd been running for too long and i got tired and it finally caught up to me. i am drowning unlike ever before.
i see no point in living anymore. i have lost interest in everything. i feel no desire, i feel nothing. nothing. nothing.
i am so incredibly alone. i am never sure anymore if my friends even like me. i feel like i am always bothering them.
i can not BELIEVE the universe INSISTS that i wake up everyday. and not only that, the universe forces me to live with myself every second.
my only escape is sleep. which is aided by handfuls of otc sleeping pills every night, though the dosage is being taken earlier and earlier every day.

i cant even go through the motions at this point. i am hopeless, helpless, worthless. i just wish i was dead.

caffeinated qualms

remember when i couldnt tell if i loved my job or hated it?
well, i hate it. i fucking hate it.

it mostly has to do with my boss being a complete condescending bitch. a wannabe paris hilton, with the false lashes, the fake tan, and the little puppy disgustingly named 'truffles'.
ever seen the devil wears prada? while shes not quite anna wintour (she WISHES), she's definitely the emily to my andrea sachs.


anything done right gets ignored, any mistake is highlighted and results in her jabbing her finger in my face and rolling her eyes. at the end of the day, i'm too tired from being frazzled trying to do everything perfectly all the time, i can barely drag my ass to the train before collapsing. nights have been spent drinking wine and staring blankly at the tv, attempting to feel human again.

so immediately i started looking for something else. in fact, ive an interview after work today and i think i'll get it. its for a position as a front desk clerk at a small hotel downtown. it seems mellow and while i'd have to work friday nights and weekend mornings, at least i wont be having nightmares about sandwich orders and coffee drinks.


today is my self-imposed Try Something New Tuesday. i wish i could try something cool, like a pilates class, or a new restaurant, or finally attempt to knit (god i wish so badly i could knit). but alas, i'm broke and exhausted. the only new thing i'm going to try is to get this fucking hotel job.
MINE.


and i really really miss crafting. i've not done anything creative all summer, and i'm really starting to feel it in my artistic bones. like, i'm jonesin' for some glue and scissors. i just need to find a few hours at a time where i don't feel so exhausted i can barely lay on my couch. this week, i'm promising myself. and you. ;)

but OH! last week i managed to peel myself off the couch enough to go to green apple books, the best used book store in all of san francisco. i had been meaning to go all summer. i bought:
-a million little pieces by james frey
-the gift by lewis hyde
-the secret life of bees by sue monk kidd
-a heartbreaking work of staggering genius by dave eggers
-sex, drugs, and cocoa puffs: a low culture maifesto by chuck klosterman
-introducing buddha by...well, a collection of people, monks mostly.

i've started into the secret life of bees and a heartbreaking work of staggering genius, and i'm already halfway through sex, drugs, & cocoa puffs.
reading for pleasure feels pretty good, and even slightly self-indulgent. i dig.


current mood: i'm wide awake at 5am. fuck that bitch. and her little dog too.
current music: 'roseanne' reruns.

what a lovely way to burn

hey all. meaning: hello brenda, the one person who reads my blog.
i dont care. im gonna pretend as if i have many readers, all over the country, anxiously tuning in to hear about the most trivial of events just because they happened to me.

so heres the drama i've been dealing with that's kept me curled up in bed at the end of the day instead of emotionally sane enough to sit at a laptop:
-when i put in my half-week's notice at my old job, they offered me a raise/promotion, and a heaping dose of GUILT. i had to answer them by the next day.
-coworkers who were upset at me because i had vented to them about another coworker. at the same time, said coworker was fired, allowing her to look like the victim/martyr and leaving me to look like the worst person in the universe. in retaliation, i was ostrasized and treated very badly.
-trying to be mature and drama-free about the situation, i confronted my coworkers, pleading with them to please tell me if i had done/said something to offend them. when they denied everything, and still refused me, all that came out of me was "when you guys talk shit about my talking shit, it makes you all hypocrits. hypcrits and FUCKING COWARDS!". accompanied with sobs, those were my last words to my summer of cutting cheese.
-moments after clocking out for the last time, i drove myself to the movies, bought a giant diet coke, and cried through the entirety of 'eat pray love'. i felt so much better.
-i started my new job at a quaint but trendy little family-run chain of upscale french cafes (patisseries, if you will). back in the midst of the hustle and bustle of my city's financial district. today was day 2, and i cant tell yet if i love it or hate it. i am good at it though, and i do know that with my siouxsie sioux hair-do, smokey eyeliner, and leggings, i fit right in. so i guess we'll see.


school starts next week and i think i'm too exhausted to tell if i'm excited. i'll be taking a mold-making class. and another called 'expressions in clay'. it sounds fancy, but its really just a ceramics class (no, no wheel-throwing. no, i wont be recreating scenes from any demi moore movies).

i'm just trying to take inventory of all the things i learned this summer. about myself, about my life, about how to be myself in my life. multiple times a day, i am making sure to dwell on gratitude. big or small, heavy or petty, i am choosing to thank the universe for everything i have at every opportunity i have it. i have found that the more grateful i am to the universe for its offerings, the more the universe gives me. so lately, when a friend texts me, i thank the universe that i have people in my life that care about me. when i exercise, i thank the universe for my functioning limbs. fuck even when i get home to an empty and desolate apartment, i thank the universe for allowing me a daily dose of 'peace and quiet'.

all this gratitude has really worked wonders for me. cos even though i'm broke, overwhelmed and lonely, i know i'm lucky enough to experience these emotions. for example, i'm broke because i am following my heart and my passion by getting a masters degree in sculpture (how many people can say that?). i'm overwhelmed because i'm an adult with responsibilities; but how lucky am i that i've made it this far without any real calamities? and, yes, maybe i am lonely. but i'm single because i've refused to settle for anything my heart knew wasnt the right match for me, and i'm SO relieved to have only had to deal with a broken heart, and not a broken marriage.


so, reflecting, i know the universe has great things in store for me. i just KNOW these things are right around the corner. i just *FEEL* it.
stay tuned.


current mood: delighted
current music: black mountain - angels

try something new tuesday: job schmob, anxiety attack round 2, san francisco happy hour

i honestly don't know how some bloggers post more than once a day. aren't you out there, living life?
i sure as fuck am.
in fact, i'm using my day off
to experience a myriad of san francisco's little idiosyncrasies. including, presently sitting in a cafe with a glass of white wine and my laptop, next to a trio of asian men drinking cappuccinos and having an expressive, gestural, enthusiastic conversation with each other.
to my right is a lesbian couple with a very obedient pit bull.

todays been nothing short of surreal. allow me the luxury:

lately, work has been absolute, utter, unequivocal TORTURE. an ex-friend/co-worker was fired, and sensing the 'ex' part, all eyes turned to me. not to mention that my bosses decided i'd be better at her customer service job than her, so that i was forced to step away from cheese, into her position, and right into the middle of the evil stares. i lost track of the number of times i got the cold shoulder or the stink eye this week.
new fact: it is very nearly impossible to give great customer service when your co-workers are ostracizing you to the point of tears. "is there anything i can help you with" feels so trite, and miles away from what i really want to say, which is "please tell my co-workers i had nothing to do with (ex-employee) being fired and its not my fault she lied and stole and cheated! please make them understand!"

its suspicious that the bosses made me take over what they dubbed a 'unique blend between cheese expert and customer service' just before they hired two new people: one for cheese, one for customer service. where does that leave me?
not to mention that my direct manager has begun to feel threatened by my developing skill and expertise, and has to decided to embrace the new inexperienced cheese employee instead.
i couldnt win.
then, i was asked to train the two new kids (my replacements, i presume).
i was so stressed.
i was having nightmares.
i was having chest pains.
i was sinking, fast.


my response:


i had another anxiety attack. this one was a doozy. you see, i was driving. on the freeway. far from either home or work. in the middle of rush hour.
and i was so blinded by panic and fear and tears and hyperventilation that i couldnt even see straight, much less drive straight. i almost side-swiped a car, who honked incessantly and then proceeded to tail me and flash their fog lights into my rear view, all while i was still mid-attack. it was a nightmare.
petrified, i tried to draw from past experience and phone my mother for help. she was too busy texting me that she 'didnt need my drama' to answer my numerous calls. i left her a message.
desperate, i called my dad. i didnt know what else to do. i didnt even think to call my therapist, i dunno why. maybe cos i was scared as opposed to confused. my dad did answer and talked me down and instructed me off of the freeway and gave me breathing directions. (his calm response to my sheer panic lets me know that this is all same-shit-different-day for a man who spent 30 yrs married to my mother.)
i still havent heard from my mom.

so, today. i woke up knowing i couldnt go on like this. acknowledgement of that fact led me straight into a chain of events unlike no other that san francisco can offer.
stopping by the post-office to retrieve a blog-giveaway prize of a bag of chia seeds (i know its random, but in addition to my wine, coffee and gum addictions, i am also quite the health nut), i disoriented myself and ended up taking the long way to my school's financial aid office, where i had to drop off overdue paperwork. this unexpectedly longer path led me through the *heart* of my beloved city, and i found myself ACHING to feel like an integral part of its *beat* again. in those moments, i felt like i missed my city with every fiber of my battered being. my whole summer has been nothing but work, cutting and wrapping cheese, and commuting, leaving my days off to attempt to recover enough energy to keep my house and my Self clean. i missed frolicking through the downtown streets. i missed prancing from swanky club to dive bar to burrito joint all in one outfit. i yearned. so i sighed.

once parked in front of my school, i decided to drop off my resume to the next-door cafe that was hiring counter help. so did someone else, who glared at me on her way out. i shyly handed my stapled credentials to the cashiering gal, and she told me to wait ten minutes, when i could meet the manager. too anxious for coffee but craving comfort in the nerve-wracking anticipation, i purchased a small decaf and sat down to browse through the brochures i had absent-mindedly picked up from my school's office. the booklets where all about student housing, and lo and behold, they have special graduate-student-only apartments. hmmm, i had never thought about it before. i could live closer to school, with fellow student artists, be more a part of the community....
next thing i know, the manager calls my name. i hand her my resume and answer her that yes, i am a student down the street. i humbly tell her that i've been working with food lately and that i'm eager to leave my current job and i think i'd be a good fit at this cafe. she smiled, nodded excitedly and said, "i think so too. lets hire you and get you started. can you sign the paperwork tomorrow?" that was it. i've another job. i was hired on the spot, and i start monday. my last thought was, 'well that was easy'.
of course, on my way out, i spilled my decaf all down my pants.


anyway, finally looking around enough to notice i was in brenda's neighborhood, we met up for some spontaneous (and very girly) shopping. which for us means trying on betsey johnson dresses and shoes we could never afford and having them set aside my future wedding dress and shoes for purchase later today (as if).


then we went to macys and bought shirts on sale.


now i sit watching boys walk in with their messenger bags and share a couch with old ladies in layers of beads drinking snapple.
i fucking love my city.
i'm back:)

current mood: content.
current music: the velvet underground - i'm sticking with you.

work in progress. pardon my dust.

i've been absent cos i've been social. not a bad trade-off. until its my day off and i'm too sick to leave the house. well, cheers to the blogging.

in other news, i've a date tomorrow. i'm optimistic about this one, mostly because of the way it came about. the story embraces my awkwardness as a beneficial trait, and in response, he's stepped up. heres how it all went down:
--part 1: about a week ago, a particular customer caught my eye: he was tall, big, with adorably scruffy stubble, and suited up in a genuine white chef's jacket. in the grand tradition of me, i stared longingly at him from way up on my cheese platform until he caught me looking and i averted my eyes, pretending to have been observing something else the entire time. epic fail.
--part 2: at work on saturday we had 'meet the farmers day', which means the farmers we source our produce from come to the store and chat with customers and sample their stuff. i had a long loud day of sampling first organic gelato (cue little kids off-leash running up to me with their sticky faces and stickier fingers to demand their free tablespoon of ice cream, over and over), then a trio of cheeses where people grabbed handfuls at a time and stuffed their mouths only to walk away empty-handed. disgusting. but the clouds parted for a brief moment when i saw him: the chef! there he is! walking around! and i'm not up in my cheese tower, and these samples are the perfect excuse to talk to him! quick, kendra, say something clever and engaging!
"so...uh... are you...like, a chef?" ugh.
his response: 'uh, yeah.' ok, kendra, recover! hurry, there are other people making walking towards you and theyll surely interrupt you to ask you where the bathroom is! quick!
"oh. uh...i've never been there." cue those damn customers, and off he went. epic fail.
--part 3: noel and i decided that after the festival of farmers, and the ensuing parade of greedy customers, at the end of our shift we needed a DRINK. bar-hopping led us to a gastropub and as i was perusing the wine list, i had a moment:
"wait a second! i know this place! the name matches his chef jacket- i've a crush on the chef here!" having had a couple glasses at this point, i was feeling ballsy, and so i revealed my secret admiration to the waitress (who told us my chef was off for the night) and the three of us joked about restaurants and markets. oh what boozy, hazy fun.
more wine. sleep.

next day, at work:
"hey!"
a hangover had me moving slowly, but i looked up from my cheese cutting and: there he was, wearing a big smile and an amused expression. oh my god.
"i heard you stopped by last night and you were looking for me."
oh my god.
i froze. see, i had already mentally put the restaurant and the conversation with the server into a 'do not recall due to heavy drinking' file. i felt the blood immediately rush to my face. not knowing what else to do, i fumblingly descended from my cheese tower and went through the motions of sampling cheeses while he introduced himself and attempted to chat it up. i was bright red and awkward and stammering the entire time. i couldnt even look him in the eye, though i tried several times. i just rambled on and on about cheese like an idiot. i was so embarrassed. it was not pretty for yours truly.


still, he smiled sweetly and asked for my number.
i waited patiently by my phone.

and despite ALL this, he called today and we're going out tomorrow. i said yes for several reasons:
-he came in to see me after hearing about/remembering me. confidence and balls.
-he's a bit chubby, and i like that. cos in my mind, this means he is bound to be jolly.
-he CALLED. not texted, not emailed, CALLED to ask me out. i'm an old-fashioned gal; i liked that.

so my goal for tomorrow night is to undo his first impression of me as an awkward stuttering cheese sampler that gets tipsy and reveals her crushes to strangers-in-common.


current mood: embarrassed, but hopeful nonetheless.
current music: ida maria - i like you so much better when youre naked

"i think so, but i might be biased. because i'm so awesome and everything."

considering that friday night i got rejected by a boy, i shocked myself when saturday morning i woke up happy, smiling, and relieved, believe it or not. i was overwhelmed with a feeling of 'pfft! i'm AWESOME!'. i couldn't wipe the smile off my giddy face, and i was humming to myself all day. i've no idea where it was coming from, but i embraced it and chalked it up great friends and a good therapist. i guess all the hard work i've been doing on myself this summer has begun to sneak up on me and actually pay off, and i can't wait to see whats next.
i've a feeling he was just after my milkshake anyhow.


in other news, OPERATION FREEGAN has officially come to a close.
stauts: phew! i made it! now gimme some goddamned vegetables!
for the entire month of july, i spent NO MONEY on groceries, and properly navigated my way around the rules, through the loopholes, and on the outskirts of my workplace to acquire foodstuffs. i ate only work-related freebies, and spent money only on wine, gum, and coffee (see 'big city girl vices' post below). i saved an incredible amount of money during july, and learned some sneaky tricks about where food comes from/goes at a farmers market. in fact, while i quickly replenished my veggie stash (you will never meet anyone more in love with raw vegetables), i've set myself up for on-going access to free lettuce, eggs, bread, pizza, sausages, and of course, cheese.

on august 1st, the first food item i bought myself was dried popping corn. don't judge. (sidebar: yes, i pop my own. i can't stand the chemicals in those processed bags of 'movie theater style' cancer.) the air-popped, unbuttered golden kernels of crunchy goodness + a glass of red wine, is one of my favorite comfort meals. i think its stems from a memory: you see, years ago, i was on a date with my beloved when he suggested we go see a movie. i hadn't heard of the obscure film he suggested, but i agreed. well it ended up being a super suspenseful horror film and my wimpy ass was so scared i started crying right there in the theatre. we left mid-movie and he drove straight to another theatre, where he snuck in a couple individually-sized wine bottles (to calm my frayed nerves) and bought popcorn and tickets to napoleon dynamite. i felt so much better. i felt loved, i felt safe.
so, combine my desire for a hug, and a loooooong day of cutting/wrapping/pairing cheese and the toll it takes on my aching hands, and you've me zoning out while my dinner poppity-pops away. no chopping or cooking required.



incidentally, my hands have been giving me a lot of trouble lately. its directly attributed to my job, and the endless, continuous motions the finger joints of a fromager must perfect. but man its pretty bad lately. at the end of the day, it hurts to do...well, pretty much anything: drive, write, type, etc. seeking some relief, i browsed the aisles at the local pharmacy and saw it:
ben gay.
i did have a brief moment of age-related identity crisis, but i was desperate and so i bought the biggest tube they had and applied liberally.
so instead of my usual 'cheese musk', i now smell like a cross between spearmint gum and the old ladies on the bus.
but at least i can get some crafting (and typing) done. albeit, alone.



in the meantime, i went to brenda's film tour. brenda makes striking experimental surrealist films so personally inspiring that, in the past, we've collaborated on a mixed media installation. it featured one of her films, set in one of my vintage suitcase installations, and it was titled 'theatre of manufactured dissimilation: cuts in motion'.
now she runs a production company called Cut and Run, which produces, curates, and tours various film screenings. its usually a night of experimental surrealist film shorts, and i'm always so creatively stimulated afterwards; she's such impeccable taste in films that stir, provoke, question and impress. her choices always stay with me, circulating in my brain, evolving until they've resolved themselves enough to settle down. could you ask for more? visit her here: Cut and Run.

oh!
NEW MUSIC MONDAYS (yes i know today is tuesday)
i've had an artists crush on amanda palmer since back in her dresden dolls days. i saw her a couple years ago at bimbos365 here in san francsisco (perfect venue for her) and fell head over heels in artist love.
she's just released a new album (without the aid of a record label- she's so ballsy) on july 20th, titled Amanda Palmer Performs the Hits of Radiohead on Her Magical Ukulele. get it here.

her rendition makes me feel like i'm in the midst of spinning out of control. she's BRILLIANT and has a shit ton of other BRILLIANT things going on, including her new album with EvelynEvelyn, and upcoming tour.
euphoria. euphoria and awe.


stay tuned for Try Something New Tuesdays, i'm feeling sassy.


ps. did those links work? its my first time making a link, i'm just learning the internet.


current mood: satisfied.
current music: amanda fucking palmer.

we'd hold ice cream hands and make waterfalls out of unicorns

today i came home from work with:
-a whole (free) carton of organic brown eggs
-(free) ripe plums and nectarines
-(free) organic whole grain bread
-(free) gruyere, aged gouda and triple cream brie
-(free) organic pizza
-(free) ricotta cheese
-(free) organic cookies
-a MIND-BLOWINGLY delicious bottle of zinfandel

today i came home from work to a dark and lonely apartment.
today i came home from work and i thought, "my imaginary boyfriend would be so happy to see me tonight".

there's something progressively disheartening about the consistency of this scene.


current mood: one giant sigh.
current music: simon & garfunkel - sounds of silence

it is unclear how my life has become so riddled with obvious metaphors

maybe its all the wine.
just when things were starting to finally go 'okay'.

i mean:
-things were getting better at work. i took over as the 'fromager' and was even offered the responsibility of the marketing and sales of a new cheese; a way to sort of show what i'm made of, for bosses to determine whether or not said contents are worth keeping around. and i was rocking it.
-i got my hair did and it looks awesome.
-i cut back on my gum-chewing and tv-watching vices, but held on to the coffee & wine (and their ensuing culprits: artificial ingredients, refined carbs) because:
-i was seeing friends more. i was out and about, and even managed to double-book myself thursday: joining coworkers for their weekly bowling night followed by another epic post-punk dance night DJ'ed by brenda's fiance. i partied like a brain-damaged dance monkey. AAAANNNDDDDD:
-i went on a date. i met someone during thursday nights escapades, and the next night we met for drinks and a show. like a for reals date. it was my first date since the break-up but i think i did alright. he's a professional writer and way cooler than me (which is hard to do, you know), but having just come off a broken engagement and landing myself right smack dab in the middle of a spiraling roller coaster of self-discovery and 'personal growth', its understandable that i've many reservations.

i'm not sure what to do to feel better. brenda pointed out that i had so much energy to take care of my ex, and provide him with all the love and care and food and laundry i could muster. why cant i turn that on myself?
so that is my new goal. i am going to really focus on happiness (big and small) and gratitude (big and small) this week. i HAVE to turn this around. i have to snap out of this; i have to snap out of this shell of a person my ex left behind. fuck, i hope i can.

cos a HUGE part of me wants to just give up. i have a screaming, urgent desire to hit the road like violence, heading to the deep south and never looking back. i've been turning this idea inside-out in my brain for a while now, but fear holds me back. fear and student loans.


IN HONOR OF 'NEW MUSIC MONDAYS':
ray lamontagne's new album comes out august 17th. i am going to marry that man or someone just like him. here is the latest song thats breaking my heart (with devastatingly appropriate lyrics):

youre welcome.

Operation Freegan status: have figured out ways to score lettuce, eggs, and bread on at least a weekly basis. but i'm counting the minutes til midnight of july 31st. i miss broccoli.

Vices: still there. in full force. now stop reminding me please.

current mood: if usually i feel like a piece of shit, today i've felt like a pile. now?- defeated, but determined.
current music: pink floyd - comfortably numb

monday's menagerie

oh my.

monday started off fine, and i even managed to cut back on my gum and caffeine usage.

i had made plans with my dear friend natty (a brazilian goddess with a rock n roll streak) to visit her for a glass of wine at her and her man's brand new uber chic studio. it had been too long since we had last fully caught up with each other and i found myself filling her in on the details of my broken engagement. it didnt feel awful to talk about it, but it must have done something to my psyche to relive all those horrible memories of being so utterly miserable. because when i went to bed (early) on monday night with a tickle in my throat, i had no idea that i'd wake up on tuesday with my throat ON FIRE and my body aching all over.
i spent tuesday sleeping. i was awake for not more than two hours the entire day. what a fucking waste. i felt like such a failure.

today i felt better and managed to get to the gym and ended up having a great, revitalizing workout. wtf was up with tuesday, i dunno.

so lemme back up, cos i promised you a 'new music monday'.
here is my disclaimer: having worked in the local music industry for approximately 8 years now, i find i'm a bit jaded and i have a hard time finding new music that doesnt make me feel like 'its been done before, and done better'.
lately, i've been looking for music to fuel my workouts. my quest started when i was prepping to run my first 5k, and i was nervous that i wouldn't place because i'm not very fast. i had read that olympic champion swimmer michael phelps would listen to hip-hop to pump him up before a race. my ex provided me with a few song suggestions and man they really worked. particularly, eminem's 'lose yourself'. i beat my own personal record for my first 5k because of that song.

now, i never listen to hip-hop or rap outside of the gym. i stick to post-punk hits, eurotrash electro, and anything too indie to be on the radar. but in the gym, with hip-hop in my ears, I. AM. A. BADASS.
BUT eminem's new album RECOVERY is really quite brilliant. his flow is solid, and he even includes string instruments, acoustic guitar riffs, and some clever drum breaks. even if youre not a fan of the hip-hop/rap genre (TRUST ME I'M NOT), you'll appreciate this album.

in other news, i got my hair did today. my friend lorissa does my hair in the basement of the trendy apartment she shares with her husband and their record collection. she always gives me a healthy, loving dose of reality, and when i grow up i wanna be just like her.

Operation Freegan status: still no money spent on groceries, though i'm getting tired of the same sandwiches. but today i made a mini frittata and it was pretty yummers.

current music: eminem - going through changes
current mood: a bit defeated.

big city girl vices

in order to distract myself from mySelf, i've recently developed layers and layers of bad habits in which to indulge. but now i'm telling myself that its just about time i've faced mySelf and to not my vices get in the way of myself anymore.

i chew way too much gum. i honestly have at least one piece going in my mouth at all times. sometimes two. sometimes three. you see, i buy the fruity flavors and combine a couple different ones in order to create my very own personal calorie-free on-going smoothie. its sick and twisted, i know. and its now starting to affect my palette.

i drink way too much coffee. in order to 'speed up' at work, i began to take advantage of the free folgers choice theyve available in the break room. over time, i've begun to drink coffee 'to wake up', 'to fuel my work out', 'to pick it up a notch at work', 'to complement my meal'. i'm drinking about ten cups a day. at night i lay awake and wonder why i cant seem to get a good nights sleep these days.

i drink way too much wine. this is to combat the effects of the caffeine intake. red wine is my greatest ally to calm my racing thoughts enough to drift off.

i use too many artificial ingredients. case in point(s): a coated palette is now only satisfied with obscene amounts of salt, powders and other artificial flavors to make up for an aspartame-induced tastebud coma; ten cups of coffee = ten packets of splenda, daily.

i eat way too many refined carbs. this ones pretty tame compared to the other habits, and i'm aware thats a direct result of the rules of Operation Freegan, which inadvertantly dictate that i take advantage of the free bread made available to me at work. and lordy is my body craving carbs (normally consumed in the form of fruit and veggies).

i watch way too much tv. from the moment i wake up until the moment the 'sleep' feature kicks in, tv is my background noise. having grown up as the only child of workaholics, tv was my babysitter and the white noise that filled the rooms of an otherwise empty and quiet house. since siphoning cable from my landlord, most of what i watch is trashy reality crap. and i fucking love it. but it procrastinates me.

trust me when i say there are many other vices of which i am the "proud" hostess, but these are just the few i'm willing to share/work on.

this week will be all about cutting back on these bad habits. starting tomorrow. (cos today i made a 'gum smoothie' using a personal record-breaking 6 pieces of gum, sipped my weight in splenda-flavored coffee, ate approximately a quarter loaf of various types of bread, and drank half a bottle of wine while i 'watched' real housewives of new jersey reruns.)

starting tomorrow. just one week. thats what i keep telling myself.

also starting tomorrow? 'new music mondays'. hey.


Operation Freegan status: used what would have been 'grocery money' to take advantage of the last days of the beverages & more wine sale. what what.

current mood: old habits die hard, man.
current music: ida maria - queen of the world.

new direction

i've been avoiding this blog for a couple reasons.
one is that i'm not quite sure what to do with it. which parts of my life are to be highlighted? how often should i be posting if i have ONE READER, who happens to be a friend of mine, who has to hear me tell the story after the poor thing has already read it? i've been feeling the blog has a lack of direction, which speaks volumes as to my current state of mind.

another reason i've not been writing is:
a few hours after my last post, and the day after a serious load of DRAMA was dropped into my lap, i suffered an anxiety attack. my very first, ever in life. in fact, i didnt even know what was happening to me. my body was acting as though i was watching an intensely scary movie, but in reality i was watching saved by the bell reruns. i had to call my mom (who picked up!), who is well-versed in anxiety/panic attacks, to figure out if thats what was going on, and she told me to breathe into a paper bag. it passed in about ten minutes, but i was shaken by it for a few days after.

looking back, it stemmed from sitting in my apartment and it finally sinking in that in the midst of my own personal struggles, i was now taking on the needs of someone else. i had this overwhelming feeling of : "what have i gotten myself into?"
i panicked.

luckily, my friend only needed me as her escape valve for a couple days. she seemed to sense my level of stress and anxiety, and she retreated back into her life to handle it on her own. phew.


i've so much shit going on inside me, but i fully intend to make my blog part of it. i really want to. i've never considered myself a writer, so please be kind. this will be my therapy, my release, my own respite. i want to be honest, and show mySelf, because i am trying hard everyday to accept and love mySelf as i am. sometimes i think i'm awesome, sometimes i think i'm crap.

but here's where i begin:
i drink too much caffeine, but i drink even more wine. i like the silence of a subway ride in the morning. i will try to fight you when im drunk. i consistently fall for boys who love me for one week and hate me for two. after every break-up with, i inevitably feel that conor oberst and friedrich nietzsche are the only men who make any sense to me anymore. i am very polite but i will tear your neck off if you hurt anybody i love. i am constantly motion sick. im a hopeless romantic. i hate being told what to do.
im excellent at being decent. if you yell at me i'll always remember it. i like ice cream when its cold outside. i am sporadically affectionate, but inherently, consistently maternal. youre probably too 'scene' for me. i always try to avoid mirrors. im a sucker for a good hug. i would love to be the reason someone woke up in the morning. on almost a daily basis, i find myself thinking that the key to my domestic bliss lies in rearranging my furniture. i consistently over-tip. i'm eager to please, but in a bitter way. i wish i had the ability to weigh everything before i ate it. i think hating everybody equally means i'm pretty fair. i can never remember what i did last wednesday. i hate being told what to do.

i think i have four basic emotions. one of them is 'drunk'. it is by far my favorite.

current music: the smiths - i started something i couldnt finish (HINT: the song selection will ALWAYS reveal another aspect to what i've said in the post)
current mood: drunk

ashes, ashes, we all fall down

as of last night, i am housing a friend thats going through a divorce, of sorts.

having a friend stay with me for an indeterminable amount of time might seem to present a unique challenge to Operation Freegan. but when we quite literally stormed through her and her lovers' house last night, with wild reckless abandon and declarations like 'take it all' and 'don't leave the bastard a damn thing he would like', while she packed her clothes, pills, and books, i made sure to raid their fridge, pantry, freezer and, most importantly, their liquor cabinet.
we were MAD; we took everything. i'm talking bags and bags and BAGS, filled to their capacities, heaved into the trunk of my car and stuffed down to fit.
so i think we're pretty set.

i wonder what i've gotten myself into, though, harboring a relationship refugee. like, will i be put in the middle of their drama? i hope not.
though i secretly (and selfishly) hope he sends her flowers so that i can replace the wilted bouquet in my kitchen. every girl deserves flowers.
but do boys know?-nothing says 'i love you' like a mix tape.
but still, nothing tops the scene from 'say anything', when lloyd stands outside dianes window and blasts peter gabriel from his boom box. that scene makes all subsequent boyfriends look ridiculous in comparison.

a couple nights ago i had a dream and brian chambers was in it. it was awesome.
man i would like, do something that really sucks for his love. i would like, do geometry homework and stuff for his love.

sigh.
life was so much easier when boys had cooties.

oh! and i randomly ran into my old professor this week! he remembered me even 6 years after i’d aced his philosophical literature class. he said he could never forget the student whos final term paper was: ‘I Camus- Can You? The Existential Dr. Seuss.’
cheeky.



operation freegan status: scored major loot all on my own, including free eggs, fruit, spinach, cottage cheese. not to mention my gal pal's new additions.

current music: ida maria - oh my god.
current mood: hungOVER

"still, he was no dan conner."

today has been a pretty great day. so much so i'd quite like another, please.
a great workout, a little yoga, some retail therapy (at the dollar store- i'm not gonna lie), and a bottle of wine is all it takes, apparently. well, that and a little help from my friends ;)

my good mood got me thinking about some of my past loves, and just how lovely they were. while there are some standouts...:
-the departure: a 6'7 300lb cage fighter with a limited vocabulary but a heart of endearing mush
-the usual: a broke musician that mooched off me and my school loans, but repaid me with songs/lyrics/bass lines written to me
-the douche: a typical 'dude' that would swear his love for my intensity and passion, only to later deem it a burden to the blissful ignorance of his bachelor-dom
-the mistake: my ex fiance. enough said.

...there was/will always be The One: Brian Chambers, legendary boyfriend of all time...
we'd spend our nights drinking red wine, making love, falling asleep holding hands. in the morning, he would wake me gently by playing an iron & wine record. when my eyes opened, he would be sipping coffee, reading the newspaper. he read all the important stuff and i would read our horoscopes. we'd spend the day in dolores park, high on each other.
that was the life...
i would instantly marry the man that could make me feel that way again.

and though he was more of a photographer than a writer, he also wrote this, which incidentally is the nicest thing ever written about me:
" first thing he did was pretend to choke himself with his own scarf. not the first thing she did was compare them to a work of art. without lights he mistook her closet for the bathroom and she heckled him like a breeze. she has the best feet he has ever seen, he makes her hold them over her head so he can see them better. matter-of-factly she tells him he will fall in love with her. matter-of-factly she tells him she doesn't expect to see him again, to look around, don't forget anything. she has a lazy sweetness in her heart, which is a reference to Fitzgerald. she is the girl to end all girls, which is a reference to no one. he wants to time-travel, go back and read her report cards, see her school plays, pin flowers in her hair. everything's in disarray, slow & candied. he likes her. he's screwed. "

things didnt work out for reasons i will most likely go into at a later date.

now, years later, i find myself searching for The Other One. my friends and aquaintances often ask me what my 'type' is, so that they may be on the lookout for said match. but i honestly cant answer what he looks like, just what he feels like.
and he feels like:

Dan Conner. (Roseanne)

i know, i know. once i reveal my crush (on the character, not the actor), i am inevitably on the receiving end of an incredulous glare, accompanied by an eye roll and the infamous 'youre so fucking weird kendra' mantra.
but i cant help it. dan conner was a jolly old soul, easygoing, affable, WITTY, and endlessly devoted to his wife and children. he was loving, and stayed positive, but was always, always, always very much indeed the MAN OF THE HOUSE.
plus i love his extra weight and his beard and his plaid shirts.
awww.


operation freegan status: i only spent money on wine. in honor of 'wine wednesday' of course (i just made that up).


current mood: nostalgic.
current music: the xx- vcr.

Operation Freegan + our heroine does it again

ok ive not posted cos i've been trying to catch up with myself. i've been working so hard, and yes i let off some steam on the dance floor at oldies night, but it doesnt make me any less tired. you'd never think it, but wrapping cheese takes a lot out of you. its a very physical job, with 8 hrs on my feet and constantly lugging heavy wheels of cheese to, from, up, down, in and out of a freezing walk-in refrigerator. think the equivalent of washing/putting away dishes for 8 hrs, and you come close to the physical excertion i go through 6 days a week at this fucking job i'm too good for, but apparently not good AT.
ugh.

oh and i lost my ID at oldies night. im pretty sure it fell out of my pocket as agata and i wiggled around in the photo booth. which means i cant go anywhere, and i can only buy wine at the corner store, where the employees know and recognize me all too well.
ugh.

and you know what? FUCK theres a fucking ABUNDANCE of free food available to me at work. especially since i started befriending a couple of the vendors, and they make sure to set me aside an extra PIZZA, ENTIRE LOAF of bread, BOXES of cookies, etc. i realized this 'spend no money on food for 2 weeks' is TOO EASY! i need a REAL challenging challenge right now, to distract me from the mess my life has become. lost ID and all.

SO, here is the new challenge, and it even has a title: Operation Freegan. The word "freegan" is a portmanteau of "free" and "vegan", and implies "a person who consumes discarded goods, mostly food, especially an environmentally concerned person who wishes to protect the environment and challenge consumerism cycles by waste reduction" (thats from wikipedia, lest i be sued for plagarism).
for the purposes of this blog however, i am removing all political context from the word, and using it only in terms of groceries and their purchase (or lack thereof).

for the ENTIRE MONTH of JULY, i will not buy any groceries! yes, i will buy wine. thats not food, thats just a soothing medicinal beverage. i'll only be posting about food when/if it required any creative manuvering on my part.

so, wish me luck and lets see how it goes.

cos in the meantime, i'm in a bit of struggle with myself. i've been working so hard for so long and its really taking its toll. i mean, as i was going through finals, my fiance and i broke up, and a couple days later i was in an art show, and the next week i started 48-hr weeks of wrapping cheese. i've not had time to rest, much less process anything. its no wonder i'm constantly seeking comfort, from food, wine, friends. obviously, i want to focus on the healthy resources, but when i told someone today that i had lost my identification, she said "wow, thats a loaded statement." she was right.
i cant even fathom dating right now. but i've been in a text message exchange with (GET THIS): my boss's son. he came into the store a few weeks back and it only took us a 5 minute conversation to see we had tons in common, and so we traded digits.

HOWEVER, before you give me too much credit, take note: i am notoriously awkward around boys and though i have excellent social skills, i can not successfully flirt to save my life. not convinced? here is the latest text message conversation between my boss's son and i (s is for son, k is for kendra. anything in italics is my personal commentary):

s: hey edo salon on lower haight is having a killer art show tonight. free drinks and band playing:)

k: which band?

s: hmm, not sure (?)

k: (trying to be witty) never heard of them. hardy har ;)

s: ;] me neither kendra.....
s: i bet they suck real bad!

k: (trying to seem jaded and too cool for school) suck? no way! not just any old band can book a hair salon in a city that lost its relevance 15 yrs ago.

(a couple of hours pass with no response. i use the time to re-read the text exchange)
k: oh damn its not your band is it? :/
(more silence)
k: awkward.


applause applause. only me, ladies and gentlemen, this would only happen to me.



im gonna be alone forever.


current music: magnetic fields - absolutely cuckoo
current mood: exhausted

one day having a blog will be useful. in the meantime...

i'm hittin up oldies night at the knockout with agata tomorrow night. i'm pretty excited, since i've been wanting to return to oldies night for almost a year and watching the beatles movie last night got me in the right head space. and maybe there will be cute boys to stare at awkwardly until they catch me looking.

also, i'm not gonna question my desire to color so much anymore. i've not worked on any art since the end of the semester (about a month), and i've decided my coloring impulse is my psyche's way of releasing some creativity in a soothing, theraputic way, no?
because i mean, i'm not really flexing my artistic muscles when i stretch saran wrap around wedges of cheese all day, and all this crafty brilliance has to go SOMEwhere. ;)

in other news, my freegan experiment is going surprisngly well. i made friends with the bread vendor and snagged a couple free loaves to stick in my freezer. if nothing else, at the end of the two weeks, i'll be surviving off of bread.
ya know, i never realized how much my small food purchases actually add up. if it wasnt for this self-imposed challenge, i'd be indulging in my cravings the way i usually do: a bag of chips here, a chocolate bar there, and spending more.
i kinda dig it.

ps. agata says my 'its my birthday' excuse has yet to expire. re: tomorrow night will be epic.

money spent on food: zero.

current music: michelle shocked - when i grow up.
current mood: encouraged.

deja vu. twice.

today i returned some purchases to target so i could have cash for laundry.
at the very bottom of the hamper i found some of my ex fiances boxers, as well as his favorite (& still pretty new) shirt. yes, its been that long since ive done laundry/ that recent of a break-up. after the initial snarky satisfaction that he'd never see his favorite shirt again, the boxers went straight into the garbage, but i stared at the shirt for a while, not quite sure how to react to it. i debated washing it and then cutting it up and altering into something my size that i could wear. 'that'll show him!', i thought. but i quickly realized i didnt want his cooties to taint my clothes in the wash, so i put it in a plastic bag and threw it out. it felt pretty good.
its better to have loved and lost than to have to do someone elses laundry.


then, while the clothes were in the dryer, something really bizarre happened. i dont know what came over me. i drove to the nearest walgreens and bought a set of crayons and $10 worth of coloring books. what? you've got me! ive no idea why i bought these things or what i was thinking. i mean, whats next? eating spaghetti-os while i watch mr. rogers???

(big red and juicy fruit were on sale, so i grabbed those too. gum fixes everything.)

todays eats included more fruit & yogurt bowls, and giant salads (that lettuce was just sad). i did get creative though. a couple days ago, i grabbed a couple corn tortillas from the free feast of mexican food leftovers at work and tossed them in the freezer when i got home. craving mexican food today, i topped my salad with salsa and fage (as sour cream), and cut up and baked those tortillas to use as chips. it was awesome.
then i made a mango ice cream from free mango samples at work that i had also kept in my freezer for later use.
not too shabby.

but right now? right now im getting ready to pop the beatles' 'hard days night' into the vcr and yes, color in my new coloring books. (huh?)

money spent on food: zero


current music: cold war kids - hang me out to dry
current mood: confused.

my very own sabbath.

work has graced me with my very own 'weekend' by giving me two days in a row off: today and tomorrow. while this is lovely for my aching feet, back, arms, elbows, hands, knees, and hip, it means no access to spontaneously free food.
no matter. i ate fruit/yogurt combos, the hugest salad known to man, and a sandwich. its a challenge to look in the fridge and seek out the food thats on its last legs more than others, and eat THAT.

i did a lot of resting today. ive realized that my binges are stemming from my own sense of self-loathing. i tend to set impossibly high standards for myself, and feel like a failure when i cant live up to them. i have begun to live under an umbrella of FAILURE, so that even tiny moments of feeling 'okay' are all under the ominous black cloud. then in an effort to give myself some credit, it quickly deteriorates into an angry fit, with the rage directed at yours truly.
these binges make me see: i cant live like this, and i dont want to.

SO... in honor of "Try Something New Tuesdays", i allowed myself to rest. i told myself over and over again that i didnt have to do anything i didnt want to. so i was surprised when i ended up at the gym, and even more surprised when i caught myself doing an hour of cardio, and indeed quite floored when i found myself doing a weights session right after. and when i came home and the most activity i did was alternate between resting on the couch and resting in bed, well you could have knocked me over with a feather!
it doesnt mean i'm cured, ive learned that much so far. all day, i actively fought the urge to binge, and i felt that every decision i made for/about/during the day was an utter struggle. its a challenge to not feel guilty about the pile of laundry and the bits of clutter, but its strange that by giving myself permission to lay in bed all day, i actually ended up doing something really great for myself (and i even did my dishes).

i feel that while i'm okay right now, its as though i'm on very thin ice with my Self, and i've to be very very careful with my next moves for a while.

slow, baby steps.

money spent: zero.

current music: nico - these days
current mood: fragile.

totally appropriate.

the only successful thing about today was that i did not spend any money on food.

to be honest, i was sick to my stomach today. here is a dark confession: last night i binged on excessive amounts of wine, followed by excessive amounts of food. this has been happening for the past few months, and it is so shameful to admit. it always starts out as an attempt to treat myself: "oh a glass of wine (or two) sounds lovely! oh and a piece of chocolate! i can totally control myself, and goshdarnit, ive earned this treat!". it quickly spirals downward. one glass of wine turns into 2 bottles, and one brownie turns into an entire pan plus cereal plus ice cream plus popcorn. how can my attempts to nuture my Self so easily turn into self-sabotage? what is the MATTER with me?!?! its humiliating, but i am choosing to share it here cos damn it all to hell if im not going to be honest.

needless to say, i was naseous and sick this morning and could only handle tea and water. i did plan ahead though, and packed food for th day: fruit and a spinach salad with the "ripest" produce. i touched none of it, all day. when i got to work, there was an ENTIRE free entenmanns chocolate cake, just sitting there on the break table, ready to be consumed. had i been feeling better, i would have dug right in, and that would have been breakfast. instead, i hit up the day-old bread loaves piled high on a table, and snagged a couple.
some of the ladies brought leftover mexican food, clearly from a party they had thrown over the weekend. had i been in better shape, BAM!- that would be lunch! but with my tummy troubles, none of it seemed appealing to me. so i grabbed a couple tortillas and wrapped them up for later. lunch was toast from my new bread.
snacks included a couple bites of fruit samples here and there, whatever i felt my stomach could handle.
dinner was the lunch i had packed.

brenda was having a tough day also, and wanted company, so we planned to meet after work. i had spent the day in emotional shambles, shamed over what i had done to myself (yet again) last night, so on my drive home i called my therapist, hoping she could help me get a grip. in the midst of our conversation, i got pulled over by a cop. the lights/siren went on, and i looked for the nearest place to pull over. did you know that youre supposed to pull over to the RIGHT? i had forgotten all about that. fuck my life.

the cop asked for my license and registration, and i immediately began sobbing uncontrollably. the poor guy had to dig through the pile of paperwork i handed him from my glove compartment because i was crying so hard i couldnt find my proof of insurance, etc. i was so emotionally overwhelmed i began telling him my life story and filling him in on my recent breakup and the kind of day i'd had. he was so uncomfortable, and kept trying to walk away. the entire process took about 20 minutes, and i sat in my car sobbing like a small child the entire time. he let me off the hook for the cell phone usage, but said he had to nab me for pulling over to the left. his kindness made me cry even harder, and i could tell the cop didnt know what to do with a crying woman. he kept trying to wrap it up but i kept asking him if he thought my insurance would go up, because i honestly couldnt afford it, because i wrap cheese for a living and because im a student and my fiance and i broke up and im not making ends meet and my parents dont speak to me and i havent been on a date in forever and ive been sick to my stomach all day and... it was so awkward, but its so typical of me.

if you could see me right now, youd see me rolling my eyes so hard you'd be concerned for my health.

currently listening: the buzzcocks - what do i get; the pixies - where is my mind
current mood: fed up. literally.

Brought to you by the letter F: festivities, friends, freedom, fuck-yous, frugality

i find i do not write when i am feeling down, or going through a rough time. it seems that i just cant bring myself to face myself. i am most honest when staring at a blank page, and sometimes i favor denial instead.

so, its good im back. and happy to be back.

my birthday came and went and it was beautiful. my best friend brenda was there every step of the way and it would not have been an ounce of what it was without her. day-of drinks at a sexy little wine bar (the same one i eagerly took my ex fiance to, only to have him ruin the experience for me. i vowed then to return and fully enjoy it on my own terms. my bday was the perfect occasion); followed by an evening of dancing to all my favorite songs (brendas fiance is the best post-punk indie DJ ever to live). seriously, that night of DJ Squid's tunes, coupled with a tipsy and enthusiastic brenda, made for the BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE.
along the way i treated myself to exorbitant amounts of wine, cheese, and chocolate. i am currently attempting to cope with the post-party stillness i feel surrounding me. along with the guilt of eating chocolate and cheese when 'its my birthday' is no longer a valid excuse.

so, im challenging myself to something. first, a short background on how it came up (thats what she said):
you may recall my struggle to learn the 350 4-digit codes associated with produce at my work. the bosses noticed my failing efforts and sat me down, told me to take my time learning these codes, that there was no pressure, and that they liked me and wanted to make sure i wasnt feeling overwhelmed. 'how nice!', i thought. 'this family-run market chain really DOES feel like a family!'
the next thing i know, they sat me down to tell me i was learning the codes too slowly. apparently, the scheduled couple hours a few times a week to learn these codes means im not learning them as fast as the other newbies assigned 5 hrs at a time to learn them. who would have thought?
also, they complained that i am not wrapping cheese fast enough. apparently, my customer service skills, and my actual SALES of the cheese is getting in the way of cutting and wrapping it. and, my month-old wrapping skills just cant compete with the pace of those who've been at it for 5 to 10 yrs at a time. who would have thought?

after that conversation, i bitterly decided: im going to steal from this place. im gonna steal so hard.
but then i realized: when i first started there, the bosses told me that employees do not get anything free, but we can enjoy buying boxes of produce at a discounted rate. yipee.
over time, though, ive noticed that many food products make themselves available. as a farmers market, there are constant samplings of this and that, on-its-way-out produce being marked down in the 'reduced' bin, then later tossed into the compost, vendors leaving behind an extra box of cookies or loaves of bread that are one day old. plus, i am encouraged to sample the cheeses i cut and wrap, so that i may best assist customers with any questions they may have. the point is: there is an abundance of food, for free or for very little money, that i have access to on a daily basis.

Here is my challenge for myself: starting tomorrow, SPEND NO MONEY ON FOOD FOR TWO WEEKS.
ok, before you freak out: i already stocked up. rummaging through the 'reduced' shelves first thing this morning meant i picked out an array of excellent produce. i spent $6 on:

bananas, persian cucumbers, french beans, english peas, apples, pears, mushrooms, tomatoes.
for free i nabbed: 1 pkg (expires today) chicken apple sausage, 1/2 a cantaloupe (the other half had a hole that needed to be cut away), 2 (expires today) bags of spinach, 2 (expires in 2 days) bags of salad lettuce, and 2 heads or purple cauliflower.
now, using the incredibly effective Debbie Meyer's Green Bags (they really do work!), cooking today what was about to expire, and wrapping up the rest really well/tightly, coupling things with condiments, pantry staples, and the free loaf of bread i'm crossing my fingers for tomorrow, i'm confident i can do this. my fridge now looks like this:



this challenge will encourage me to post more often, eat healthier, and save money (my broke ass cant even afford to do laundry). plus itll allow me to take advantage of a company that is taking advantage of me. plus itll give me a nice little distraction from my emotional windstorm. which i will probably unload on you in the very near future.

what do you think? is it crazy? is two weeks too long? or is it a fun challenge?

well, here goes (hopefully) 'nothing'.


currently listening: charlie and the chocolate factory - johnny depp
current mood: intrigued

"i hate to brag, but i sell tupperware"

ive had a rough few days. my work has decided itd be great for me to learn how to identify 350 different kinds of produce on sight alone, and memorize a 4-digit code for each one. ive spent the past two days overwhelmed and miserable.
up until now, my minimum wage job cutting, wrapping and displaying cheese had a sense of novelty to it. it was the job i got to get back on my feet after breaking up an engagement, and yes, it was far beneath me and my skills, but i enjoyed the opportunity to keep my hands busy and talking with customers helped keep me out of my head. it was easy, it was breezy, it passed the time. but now the learning about 8different types of apples (most of which come in 2 sizes, meaning 2 different codes) and their corresponding magical numbers has turned into an added stress that just isnt worth it.

no thank you. ill be quitting asap.

couple work stress with a particularly rough therapy session today (im not crazy, just traumatized), and all i want to do is curl up on my couch with a bottle of wine, chocolate cake, and old episodes of the wonder years.

instead i spent the day crafting, and rediscovered my fondness for construction paper. it must recall childhood memories for me because i found the colors and textures oddly comforting. simpler times, i suppose. but working with the paper led to lots of cursing over elmers glue sticks. 'extra strength' my ass.

for tomorrow, i promised agata i'd go with her to check out the band of a guy she has a crush on. it sounds so high school when i type it out like that.

yesterday was another run of (self-imposed) 'try something new tuesday'. the only new thing i tried was to be a more courteous and considerate driver. and i failed at that.




currently listening: lissy trullie - ready for the floor
current mood: defeated

it has very little to do with actual strawberries, see

finally, you'll say. finally she posts her first words. ive talked about it, thought about it, cancelled it, restarted it. and here i am, now. im finally ready cos i decided i was only going to be honest; with you, with me. so here we go.

the first post merits the conventional 'about me', and i'm afraid i've never been too great at putting myself in a nutshell. so heres as pertinent and succinct as i can manage:

i'm approaching my late 20's (in 12 days, to be exact). at this point in my life, i've accumulated two degrees (an Acting Diploma from the London Academy of Music & Dramatic Arts, and a Bachelor's in Music Marketing & Artist Management), and am working towards my Master's degree in Sculpture. i speak and write spanish fluently (it is my first language), though i am equal parts hispanic and french. my mother is a fiery central american woman with borderline personality disorder and melodramatic tendencies. my father is a calm but stifled french man who often ate a plate of charcuterie for dinner; he is a certified workaholic and has become increasingly secretive since spontaneously filing for divorce 2 yrs ago. both parents are thriving fashion designers.
i went to an all-girls catholic high school that was very nearly the death of me. everyone else's parents were doctors and lawyers, so needless to say i stood out like a sore thumb. i was distrusted all during my freshman year, ridiculed my sophomore year, and absolutely tortured my junior year. my senior year i came back with a vengeance, determined to silence them, and i graduated with a 4.0, a run as shakespeare's juliet, and the honor of being the youngest person in my school to receive LAMDA's Acting Diploma.
i left for college at 17 and i never looked back. i changed my major 3 times, all in a desperate, unending search for mySelf. after failed pursuits in theatre, law, and public relations, i carved my own path and created my own major. i wrote a proposal to the dean, made a course list, acquired all necessary signatures, and 2 yrs later i graduated with my unique bachelor's degree. i spent 7 yrs working in the local music industry, working with bands, record labels, venues and radio stations before signing my flagship band to bigger management and finally resting on my laurels to enjoy the fruits of my labors. along the way i lost jobs, money, and most importantly, the love of my life.

so on a renewed search for mySelf, i attempted to learn the family business and submitted my amateur fashion designers' portfolio to a graduate school program. i spent 2 semesters being shot down and brought to tears by professors (oddly, their behavior always happened AFTER they found out who my parents were) before telling myself i was 'misunderstood', and would be better embraced in the Sculpture department. yes, i switched my major in GRAD SCHOOL. that is indeed how i roll: up to my ears in debt, stubborn as all hell to carve my own way.

to get myself through school, ive taken up a series of part-time jobs. it was at one of these jobs that i begrudgingly but nervously accepted a date with a co-worker/boss, only to be flown to las vegas, wined, dined, and proposed to, all on the first date. we were engaged for 3 beautiful months, an additional 4 tumultuous and deteriorating months (where i found that if nothing else, i could control food: i exercised excessively, ate very very little, counted calories like a maniac, lost 15 lbs and ran a 5k), before finally calling it quits just a few weeks ago.

no worries, im ok. i knew all along he wasnt the man for me; he wasnt The One. i was too swept away at first, then stuck it out only cos i'm just that determined, stubborn, committed, to loving and being loved. he supported me financially, but little else.
as i wrapped up my semester and one of my installations was being shown in a local gallery, i had to find a job. i took the only one that called me back and now i wrap cheese at a local farmers market. equal parts sad and hilarious.

now, on yet another journey to find my oh-so-elusive Self, i look at my life and see nothing recognizable. i live in an apartment in the foggy outskirts of the city, im broke, single, and in a daily struggle with myself to eat/exercise like a 'normal' person.

yesterday i drank half a bottle of wine.
today i got my first tattoo (a small heart on the flesh between my thumb and index finger)- the guy covered it with a 'dora the explorer' bandaid-, and i started this blog. so you know this ought to be good.


currently listening: r.e.m. - losing my religion
current mood: new