new direction

i've been avoiding this blog for a couple reasons.
one is that i'm not quite sure what to do with it. which parts of my life are to be highlighted? how often should i be posting if i have ONE READER, who happens to be a friend of mine, who has to hear me tell the story after the poor thing has already read it? i've been feeling the blog has a lack of direction, which speaks volumes as to my current state of mind.

another reason i've not been writing is:
a few hours after my last post, and the day after a serious load of DRAMA was dropped into my lap, i suffered an anxiety attack. my very first, ever in life. in fact, i didnt even know what was happening to me. my body was acting as though i was watching an intensely scary movie, but in reality i was watching saved by the bell reruns. i had to call my mom (who picked up!), who is well-versed in anxiety/panic attacks, to figure out if thats what was going on, and she told me to breathe into a paper bag. it passed in about ten minutes, but i was shaken by it for a few days after.

looking back, it stemmed from sitting in my apartment and it finally sinking in that in the midst of my own personal struggles, i was now taking on the needs of someone else. i had this overwhelming feeling of : "what have i gotten myself into?"
i panicked.

luckily, my friend only needed me as her escape valve for a couple days. she seemed to sense my level of stress and anxiety, and she retreated back into her life to handle it on her own. phew.


i've so much shit going on inside me, but i fully intend to make my blog part of it. i really want to. i've never considered myself a writer, so please be kind. this will be my therapy, my release, my own respite. i want to be honest, and show mySelf, because i am trying hard everyday to accept and love mySelf as i am. sometimes i think i'm awesome, sometimes i think i'm crap.

but here's where i begin:
i drink too much caffeine, but i drink even more wine. i like the silence of a subway ride in the morning. i will try to fight you when im drunk. i consistently fall for boys who love me for one week and hate me for two. after every break-up with, i inevitably feel that conor oberst and friedrich nietzsche are the only men who make any sense to me anymore. i am very polite but i will tear your neck off if you hurt anybody i love. i am constantly motion sick. im a hopeless romantic. i hate being told what to do.
im excellent at being decent. if you yell at me i'll always remember it. i like ice cream when its cold outside. i am sporadically affectionate, but inherently, consistently maternal. youre probably too 'scene' for me. i always try to avoid mirrors. im a sucker for a good hug. i would love to be the reason someone woke up in the morning. on almost a daily basis, i find myself thinking that the key to my domestic bliss lies in rearranging my furniture. i consistently over-tip. i'm eager to please, but in a bitter way. i wish i had the ability to weigh everything before i ate it. i think hating everybody equally means i'm pretty fair. i can never remember what i did last wednesday. i hate being told what to do.

i think i have four basic emotions. one of them is 'drunk'. it is by far my favorite.

current music: the smiths - i started something i couldnt finish (HINT: the song selection will ALWAYS reveal another aspect to what i've said in the post)
current mood: drunk