it is unclear how my life has become so riddled with obvious metaphors

maybe its all the wine.
just when things were starting to finally go 'okay'.

i mean:
-things were getting better at work. i took over as the 'fromager' and was even offered the responsibility of the marketing and sales of a new cheese; a way to sort of show what i'm made of, for bosses to determine whether or not said contents are worth keeping around. and i was rocking it.
-i got my hair did and it looks awesome.
-i cut back on my gum-chewing and tv-watching vices, but held on to the coffee & wine (and their ensuing culprits: artificial ingredients, refined carbs) because:
-i was seeing friends more. i was out and about, and even managed to double-book myself thursday: joining coworkers for their weekly bowling night followed by another epic post-punk dance night DJ'ed by brenda's fiance. i partied like a brain-damaged dance monkey. AAAANNNDDDDD:
-i went on a date. i met someone during thursday nights escapades, and the next night we met for drinks and a show. like a for reals date. it was my first date since the break-up but i think i did alright. he's a professional writer and way cooler than me (which is hard to do, you know), but having just come off a broken engagement and landing myself right smack dab in the middle of a spiraling roller coaster of self-discovery and 'personal growth', its understandable that i've many reservations.

i'm not sure what to do to feel better. brenda pointed out that i had so much energy to take care of my ex, and provide him with all the love and care and food and laundry i could muster. why cant i turn that on myself?
so that is my new goal. i am going to really focus on happiness (big and small) and gratitude (big and small) this week. i HAVE to turn this around. i have to snap out of this; i have to snap out of this shell of a person my ex left behind. fuck, i hope i can.

cos a HUGE part of me wants to just give up. i have a screaming, urgent desire to hit the road like violence, heading to the deep south and never looking back. i've been turning this idea inside-out in my brain for a while now, but fear holds me back. fear and student loans.


IN HONOR OF 'NEW MUSIC MONDAYS':
ray lamontagne's new album comes out august 17th. i am going to marry that man or someone just like him. here is the latest song thats breaking my heart (with devastatingly appropriate lyrics):

youre welcome.

Operation Freegan status: have figured out ways to score lettuce, eggs, and bread on at least a weekly basis. but i'm counting the minutes til midnight of july 31st. i miss broccoli.

Vices: still there. in full force. now stop reminding me please.

current mood: if usually i feel like a piece of shit, today i've felt like a pile. now?- defeated, but determined.
current music: pink floyd - comfortably numb