deja vu. twice.

today i returned some purchases to target so i could have cash for laundry.
at the very bottom of the hamper i found some of my ex fiances boxers, as well as his favorite (& still pretty new) shirt. yes, its been that long since ive done laundry/ that recent of a break-up. after the initial snarky satisfaction that he'd never see his favorite shirt again, the boxers went straight into the garbage, but i stared at the shirt for a while, not quite sure how to react to it. i debated washing it and then cutting it up and altering into something my size that i could wear. 'that'll show him!', i thought. but i quickly realized i didnt want his cooties to taint my clothes in the wash, so i put it in a plastic bag and threw it out. it felt pretty good.
its better to have loved and lost than to have to do someone elses laundry.


then, while the clothes were in the dryer, something really bizarre happened. i dont know what came over me. i drove to the nearest walgreens and bought a set of crayons and $10 worth of coloring books. what? you've got me! ive no idea why i bought these things or what i was thinking. i mean, whats next? eating spaghetti-os while i watch mr. rogers???

(big red and juicy fruit were on sale, so i grabbed those too. gum fixes everything.)

todays eats included more fruit & yogurt bowls, and giant salads (that lettuce was just sad). i did get creative though. a couple days ago, i grabbed a couple corn tortillas from the free feast of mexican food leftovers at work and tossed them in the freezer when i got home. craving mexican food today, i topped my salad with salsa and fage (as sour cream), and cut up and baked those tortillas to use as chips. it was awesome.
then i made a mango ice cream from free mango samples at work that i had also kept in my freezer for later use.
not too shabby.

but right now? right now im getting ready to pop the beatles' 'hard days night' into the vcr and yes, color in my new coloring books. (huh?)

money spent on food: zero


current music: cold war kids - hang me out to dry
current mood: confused.

my very own sabbath.

work has graced me with my very own 'weekend' by giving me two days in a row off: today and tomorrow. while this is lovely for my aching feet, back, arms, elbows, hands, knees, and hip, it means no access to spontaneously free food.
no matter. i ate fruit/yogurt combos, the hugest salad known to man, and a sandwich. its a challenge to look in the fridge and seek out the food thats on its last legs more than others, and eat THAT.

i did a lot of resting today. ive realized that my binges are stemming from my own sense of self-loathing. i tend to set impossibly high standards for myself, and feel like a failure when i cant live up to them. i have begun to live under an umbrella of FAILURE, so that even tiny moments of feeling 'okay' are all under the ominous black cloud. then in an effort to give myself some credit, it quickly deteriorates into an angry fit, with the rage directed at yours truly.
these binges make me see: i cant live like this, and i dont want to.

SO... in honor of "Try Something New Tuesdays", i allowed myself to rest. i told myself over and over again that i didnt have to do anything i didnt want to. so i was surprised when i ended up at the gym, and even more surprised when i caught myself doing an hour of cardio, and indeed quite floored when i found myself doing a weights session right after. and when i came home and the most activity i did was alternate between resting on the couch and resting in bed, well you could have knocked me over with a feather!
it doesnt mean i'm cured, ive learned that much so far. all day, i actively fought the urge to binge, and i felt that every decision i made for/about/during the day was an utter struggle. its a challenge to not feel guilty about the pile of laundry and the bits of clutter, but its strange that by giving myself permission to lay in bed all day, i actually ended up doing something really great for myself (and i even did my dishes).

i feel that while i'm okay right now, its as though i'm on very thin ice with my Self, and i've to be very very careful with my next moves for a while.

slow, baby steps.

money spent: zero.

current music: nico - these days
current mood: fragile.

totally appropriate.

the only successful thing about today was that i did not spend any money on food.

to be honest, i was sick to my stomach today. here is a dark confession: last night i binged on excessive amounts of wine, followed by excessive amounts of food. this has been happening for the past few months, and it is so shameful to admit. it always starts out as an attempt to treat myself: "oh a glass of wine (or two) sounds lovely! oh and a piece of chocolate! i can totally control myself, and goshdarnit, ive earned this treat!". it quickly spirals downward. one glass of wine turns into 2 bottles, and one brownie turns into an entire pan plus cereal plus ice cream plus popcorn. how can my attempts to nuture my Self so easily turn into self-sabotage? what is the MATTER with me?!?! its humiliating, but i am choosing to share it here cos damn it all to hell if im not going to be honest.

needless to say, i was naseous and sick this morning and could only handle tea and water. i did plan ahead though, and packed food for th day: fruit and a spinach salad with the "ripest" produce. i touched none of it, all day. when i got to work, there was an ENTIRE free entenmanns chocolate cake, just sitting there on the break table, ready to be consumed. had i been feeling better, i would have dug right in, and that would have been breakfast. instead, i hit up the day-old bread loaves piled high on a table, and snagged a couple.
some of the ladies brought leftover mexican food, clearly from a party they had thrown over the weekend. had i been in better shape, BAM!- that would be lunch! but with my tummy troubles, none of it seemed appealing to me. so i grabbed a couple tortillas and wrapped them up for later. lunch was toast from my new bread.
snacks included a couple bites of fruit samples here and there, whatever i felt my stomach could handle.
dinner was the lunch i had packed.

brenda was having a tough day also, and wanted company, so we planned to meet after work. i had spent the day in emotional shambles, shamed over what i had done to myself (yet again) last night, so on my drive home i called my therapist, hoping she could help me get a grip. in the midst of our conversation, i got pulled over by a cop. the lights/siren went on, and i looked for the nearest place to pull over. did you know that youre supposed to pull over to the RIGHT? i had forgotten all about that. fuck my life.

the cop asked for my license and registration, and i immediately began sobbing uncontrollably. the poor guy had to dig through the pile of paperwork i handed him from my glove compartment because i was crying so hard i couldnt find my proof of insurance, etc. i was so emotionally overwhelmed i began telling him my life story and filling him in on my recent breakup and the kind of day i'd had. he was so uncomfortable, and kept trying to walk away. the entire process took about 20 minutes, and i sat in my car sobbing like a small child the entire time. he let me off the hook for the cell phone usage, but said he had to nab me for pulling over to the left. his kindness made me cry even harder, and i could tell the cop didnt know what to do with a crying woman. he kept trying to wrap it up but i kept asking him if he thought my insurance would go up, because i honestly couldnt afford it, because i wrap cheese for a living and because im a student and my fiance and i broke up and im not making ends meet and my parents dont speak to me and i havent been on a date in forever and ive been sick to my stomach all day and... it was so awkward, but its so typical of me.

if you could see me right now, youd see me rolling my eyes so hard you'd be concerned for my health.

currently listening: the buzzcocks - what do i get; the pixies - where is my mind
current mood: fed up. literally.

Brought to you by the letter F: festivities, friends, freedom, fuck-yous, frugality

i find i do not write when i am feeling down, or going through a rough time. it seems that i just cant bring myself to face myself. i am most honest when staring at a blank page, and sometimes i favor denial instead.

so, its good im back. and happy to be back.

my birthday came and went and it was beautiful. my best friend brenda was there every step of the way and it would not have been an ounce of what it was without her. day-of drinks at a sexy little wine bar (the same one i eagerly took my ex fiance to, only to have him ruin the experience for me. i vowed then to return and fully enjoy it on my own terms. my bday was the perfect occasion); followed by an evening of dancing to all my favorite songs (brendas fiance is the best post-punk indie DJ ever to live). seriously, that night of DJ Squid's tunes, coupled with a tipsy and enthusiastic brenda, made for the BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE.
along the way i treated myself to exorbitant amounts of wine, cheese, and chocolate. i am currently attempting to cope with the post-party stillness i feel surrounding me. along with the guilt of eating chocolate and cheese when 'its my birthday' is no longer a valid excuse.

so, im challenging myself to something. first, a short background on how it came up (thats what she said):
you may recall my struggle to learn the 350 4-digit codes associated with produce at my work. the bosses noticed my failing efforts and sat me down, told me to take my time learning these codes, that there was no pressure, and that they liked me and wanted to make sure i wasnt feeling overwhelmed. 'how nice!', i thought. 'this family-run market chain really DOES feel like a family!'
the next thing i know, they sat me down to tell me i was learning the codes too slowly. apparently, the scheduled couple hours a few times a week to learn these codes means im not learning them as fast as the other newbies assigned 5 hrs at a time to learn them. who would have thought?
also, they complained that i am not wrapping cheese fast enough. apparently, my customer service skills, and my actual SALES of the cheese is getting in the way of cutting and wrapping it. and, my month-old wrapping skills just cant compete with the pace of those who've been at it for 5 to 10 yrs at a time. who would have thought?

after that conversation, i bitterly decided: im going to steal from this place. im gonna steal so hard.
but then i realized: when i first started there, the bosses told me that employees do not get anything free, but we can enjoy buying boxes of produce at a discounted rate. yipee.
over time, though, ive noticed that many food products make themselves available. as a farmers market, there are constant samplings of this and that, on-its-way-out produce being marked down in the 'reduced' bin, then later tossed into the compost, vendors leaving behind an extra box of cookies or loaves of bread that are one day old. plus, i am encouraged to sample the cheeses i cut and wrap, so that i may best assist customers with any questions they may have. the point is: there is an abundance of food, for free or for very little money, that i have access to on a daily basis.

Here is my challenge for myself: starting tomorrow, SPEND NO MONEY ON FOOD FOR TWO WEEKS.
ok, before you freak out: i already stocked up. rummaging through the 'reduced' shelves first thing this morning meant i picked out an array of excellent produce. i spent $6 on:

bananas, persian cucumbers, french beans, english peas, apples, pears, mushrooms, tomatoes.
for free i nabbed: 1 pkg (expires today) chicken apple sausage, 1/2 a cantaloupe (the other half had a hole that needed to be cut away), 2 (expires today) bags of spinach, 2 (expires in 2 days) bags of salad lettuce, and 2 heads or purple cauliflower.
now, using the incredibly effective Debbie Meyer's Green Bags (they really do work!), cooking today what was about to expire, and wrapping up the rest really well/tightly, coupling things with condiments, pantry staples, and the free loaf of bread i'm crossing my fingers for tomorrow, i'm confident i can do this. my fridge now looks like this:



this challenge will encourage me to post more often, eat healthier, and save money (my broke ass cant even afford to do laundry). plus itll allow me to take advantage of a company that is taking advantage of me. plus itll give me a nice little distraction from my emotional windstorm. which i will probably unload on you in the very near future.

what do you think? is it crazy? is two weeks too long? or is it a fun challenge?

well, here goes (hopefully) 'nothing'.


currently listening: charlie and the chocolate factory - johnny depp
current mood: intrigued

"i hate to brag, but i sell tupperware"

ive had a rough few days. my work has decided itd be great for me to learn how to identify 350 different kinds of produce on sight alone, and memorize a 4-digit code for each one. ive spent the past two days overwhelmed and miserable.
up until now, my minimum wage job cutting, wrapping and displaying cheese had a sense of novelty to it. it was the job i got to get back on my feet after breaking up an engagement, and yes, it was far beneath me and my skills, but i enjoyed the opportunity to keep my hands busy and talking with customers helped keep me out of my head. it was easy, it was breezy, it passed the time. but now the learning about 8different types of apples (most of which come in 2 sizes, meaning 2 different codes) and their corresponding magical numbers has turned into an added stress that just isnt worth it.

no thank you. ill be quitting asap.

couple work stress with a particularly rough therapy session today (im not crazy, just traumatized), and all i want to do is curl up on my couch with a bottle of wine, chocolate cake, and old episodes of the wonder years.

instead i spent the day crafting, and rediscovered my fondness for construction paper. it must recall childhood memories for me because i found the colors and textures oddly comforting. simpler times, i suppose. but working with the paper led to lots of cursing over elmers glue sticks. 'extra strength' my ass.

for tomorrow, i promised agata i'd go with her to check out the band of a guy she has a crush on. it sounds so high school when i type it out like that.

yesterday was another run of (self-imposed) 'try something new tuesday'. the only new thing i tried was to be a more courteous and considerate driver. and i failed at that.




currently listening: lissy trullie - ready for the floor
current mood: defeated

it has very little to do with actual strawberries, see

finally, you'll say. finally she posts her first words. ive talked about it, thought about it, cancelled it, restarted it. and here i am, now. im finally ready cos i decided i was only going to be honest; with you, with me. so here we go.

the first post merits the conventional 'about me', and i'm afraid i've never been too great at putting myself in a nutshell. so heres as pertinent and succinct as i can manage:

i'm approaching my late 20's (in 12 days, to be exact). at this point in my life, i've accumulated two degrees (an Acting Diploma from the London Academy of Music & Dramatic Arts, and a Bachelor's in Music Marketing & Artist Management), and am working towards my Master's degree in Sculpture. i speak and write spanish fluently (it is my first language), though i am equal parts hispanic and french. my mother is a fiery central american woman with borderline personality disorder and melodramatic tendencies. my father is a calm but stifled french man who often ate a plate of charcuterie for dinner; he is a certified workaholic and has become increasingly secretive since spontaneously filing for divorce 2 yrs ago. both parents are thriving fashion designers.
i went to an all-girls catholic high school that was very nearly the death of me. everyone else's parents were doctors and lawyers, so needless to say i stood out like a sore thumb. i was distrusted all during my freshman year, ridiculed my sophomore year, and absolutely tortured my junior year. my senior year i came back with a vengeance, determined to silence them, and i graduated with a 4.0, a run as shakespeare's juliet, and the honor of being the youngest person in my school to receive LAMDA's Acting Diploma.
i left for college at 17 and i never looked back. i changed my major 3 times, all in a desperate, unending search for mySelf. after failed pursuits in theatre, law, and public relations, i carved my own path and created my own major. i wrote a proposal to the dean, made a course list, acquired all necessary signatures, and 2 yrs later i graduated with my unique bachelor's degree. i spent 7 yrs working in the local music industry, working with bands, record labels, venues and radio stations before signing my flagship band to bigger management and finally resting on my laurels to enjoy the fruits of my labors. along the way i lost jobs, money, and most importantly, the love of my life.

so on a renewed search for mySelf, i attempted to learn the family business and submitted my amateur fashion designers' portfolio to a graduate school program. i spent 2 semesters being shot down and brought to tears by professors (oddly, their behavior always happened AFTER they found out who my parents were) before telling myself i was 'misunderstood', and would be better embraced in the Sculpture department. yes, i switched my major in GRAD SCHOOL. that is indeed how i roll: up to my ears in debt, stubborn as all hell to carve my own way.

to get myself through school, ive taken up a series of part-time jobs. it was at one of these jobs that i begrudgingly but nervously accepted a date with a co-worker/boss, only to be flown to las vegas, wined, dined, and proposed to, all on the first date. we were engaged for 3 beautiful months, an additional 4 tumultuous and deteriorating months (where i found that if nothing else, i could control food: i exercised excessively, ate very very little, counted calories like a maniac, lost 15 lbs and ran a 5k), before finally calling it quits just a few weeks ago.

no worries, im ok. i knew all along he wasnt the man for me; he wasnt The One. i was too swept away at first, then stuck it out only cos i'm just that determined, stubborn, committed, to loving and being loved. he supported me financially, but little else.
as i wrapped up my semester and one of my installations was being shown in a local gallery, i had to find a job. i took the only one that called me back and now i wrap cheese at a local farmers market. equal parts sad and hilarious.

now, on yet another journey to find my oh-so-elusive Self, i look at my life and see nothing recognizable. i live in an apartment in the foggy outskirts of the city, im broke, single, and in a daily struggle with myself to eat/exercise like a 'normal' person.

yesterday i drank half a bottle of wine.
today i got my first tattoo (a small heart on the flesh between my thumb and index finger)- the guy covered it with a 'dora the explorer' bandaid-, and i started this blog. so you know this ought to be good.


currently listening: r.e.m. - losing my religion
current mood: new