to be honest, i was sick to my stomach today. here is a dark confession: last night i binged on excessive amounts of wine, followed by excessive amounts of food. this has been happening for the past few months, and it is so shameful to admit. it always starts out as an attempt to treat myself: "oh a glass of wine (or two) sounds lovely! oh and a piece of chocolate! i can totally control myself, and goshdarnit, ive earned this treat!". it quickly spirals downward. one glass of wine turns into 2 bottles, and one brownie turns into an entire pan plus cereal plus ice cream plus popcorn. how can my attempts to nuture my Self so easily turn into self-sabotage? what is the MATTER with me?!?! its humiliating, but i am choosing to share it here cos damn it all to hell if im not going to be honest.
needless to say, i was naseous and sick this morning and could only handle tea and water. i did plan ahead though, and packed food for th day: fruit and a spinach salad with the "ripest" produce. i touched none of it, all day. when i got to work, there was an ENTIRE free entenmanns chocolate cake, just sitting there on the break table, ready to be consumed. had i been feeling better, i would have dug right in, and that would have been breakfast. instead, i hit up the day-old bread loaves piled high on a table, and snagged a couple.
some of the ladies brought leftover mexican food, clearly from a party they had thrown over the weekend. had i been in better shape, BAM!- that would be lunch! but with my tummy troubles, none of it seemed appealing to me. so i grabbed a couple tortillas and wrapped them up for later. lunch was toast from my new bread.
snacks included a couple bites of fruit samples here and there, whatever i felt my stomach could handle.
dinner was the lunch i had packed.
brenda was having a tough day also, and wanted company, so we planned to meet after work. i had spent the day in emotional shambles, shamed over what i had done to myself (yet again) last night, so on my drive home i called my therapist, hoping she could help me get a grip. in the midst of our conversation, i got pulled over by a cop. the lights/siren went on, and i looked for the nearest place to pull over. did you know that youre supposed to pull over to the RIGHT? i had forgotten all about that. fuck my life.
the cop asked for my license and registration, and i immediately began sobbing uncontrollably. the poor guy had to dig through the pile of paperwork i handed him from my glove compartment because i was crying so hard i couldnt find my proof of insurance, etc. i was so emotionally overwhelmed i began telling him my life story and filling him in on my recent breakup and the kind of day i'd had. he was so uncomfortable, and kept trying to walk away. the entire process took about 20 minutes, and i sat in my car sobbing like a small child the entire time. he let me off the hook for the cell phone usage, but said he had to nab me for pulling over to the left. his kindness made me cry even harder, and i could tell the cop didnt know what to do with a crying woman. he kept trying to wrap it up but i kept asking him if he thought my insurance would go up, because i honestly couldnt afford it, because i wrap cheese for a living and because im a student and my fiance and i broke up and im not making ends meet and my parents dont speak to me and i havent been on a date in forever and ive been sick to my stomach all day and... it was so awkward, but its so typical of me.
if you could see me right now, youd see me rolling my eyes so hard you'd be concerned for my health.
currently listening: the buzzcocks - what do i get; the pixies - where is my mind
current mood: fed up. literally.
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