goodbye.

the end.

curent mood: done.
current music: the smiths - heavens knows i'm miserable now.

let the record show

i felt like a disease.
i never gave up on the universe. it gave up on me long ago. i gave it all the positive visualizations it wanted and more, but it turned its back on me and forced me to go at it alone.

so i reached out to some friends, those whose love i feel is unfaltered, despite my mood or energy.
and it turns out that im not so alone in this world. their love is as close to unconditional as you can get amongst a group of hipsters, slackers, and young flamboyants trying to make ends meet in san francisco.

this gave me courage enough to pick up the phone and call my parents. i begged them for help. i was sobbing and honest and i begged them for some kind of help. my father sent some rent money and my mother sent xanax. both the money and the pills will be in my possession by tuesday.


help is on the way.

i've not written and i've no plans to write anytime soon. im only here to explain.
i've fallen into a 'clinical depression'. its pretty severe and the only reason my therapist hasnt hospitalized me is because i am not suicidal. i hate myself. and the fact that i am too much of a chicken shit to actually end it all makes me hate myself all the more.
i have been fighting off depression since i was 12 yrs old. sometimes medication helped, sometimes it didnt. this time, i'd been running for too long and i got tired and it finally caught up to me. i am drowning unlike ever before.
i see no point in living anymore. i have lost interest in everything. i feel no desire, i feel nothing. nothing. nothing.
i am so incredibly alone. i am never sure anymore if my friends even like me. i feel like i am always bothering them.
i can not BELIEVE the universe INSISTS that i wake up everyday. and not only that, the universe forces me to live with myself every second.
my only escape is sleep. which is aided by handfuls of otc sleeping pills every night, though the dosage is being taken earlier and earlier every day.

i cant even go through the motions at this point. i am hopeless, helpless, worthless. i just wish i was dead.

caffeinated qualms

remember when i couldnt tell if i loved my job or hated it?
well, i hate it. i fucking hate it.

it mostly has to do with my boss being a complete condescending bitch. a wannabe paris hilton, with the false lashes, the fake tan, and the little puppy disgustingly named 'truffles'.
ever seen the devil wears prada? while shes not quite anna wintour (she WISHES), she's definitely the emily to my andrea sachs.


anything done right gets ignored, any mistake is highlighted and results in her jabbing her finger in my face and rolling her eyes. at the end of the day, i'm too tired from being frazzled trying to do everything perfectly all the time, i can barely drag my ass to the train before collapsing. nights have been spent drinking wine and staring blankly at the tv, attempting to feel human again.

so immediately i started looking for something else. in fact, ive an interview after work today and i think i'll get it. its for a position as a front desk clerk at a small hotel downtown. it seems mellow and while i'd have to work friday nights and weekend mornings, at least i wont be having nightmares about sandwich orders and coffee drinks.


today is my self-imposed Try Something New Tuesday. i wish i could try something cool, like a pilates class, or a new restaurant, or finally attempt to knit (god i wish so badly i could knit). but alas, i'm broke and exhausted. the only new thing i'm going to try is to get this fucking hotel job.
MINE.


and i really really miss crafting. i've not done anything creative all summer, and i'm really starting to feel it in my artistic bones. like, i'm jonesin' for some glue and scissors. i just need to find a few hours at a time where i don't feel so exhausted i can barely lay on my couch. this week, i'm promising myself. and you. ;)

but OH! last week i managed to peel myself off the couch enough to go to green apple books, the best used book store in all of san francisco. i had been meaning to go all summer. i bought:
-a million little pieces by james frey
-the gift by lewis hyde
-the secret life of bees by sue monk kidd
-a heartbreaking work of staggering genius by dave eggers
-sex, drugs, and cocoa puffs: a low culture maifesto by chuck klosterman
-introducing buddha by...well, a collection of people, monks mostly.

i've started into the secret life of bees and a heartbreaking work of staggering genius, and i'm already halfway through sex, drugs, & cocoa puffs.
reading for pleasure feels pretty good, and even slightly self-indulgent. i dig.


current mood: i'm wide awake at 5am. fuck that bitch. and her little dog too.
current music: 'roseanne' reruns.

what a lovely way to burn

hey all. meaning: hello brenda, the one person who reads my blog.
i dont care. im gonna pretend as if i have many readers, all over the country, anxiously tuning in to hear about the most trivial of events just because they happened to me.

so heres the drama i've been dealing with that's kept me curled up in bed at the end of the day instead of emotionally sane enough to sit at a laptop:
-when i put in my half-week's notice at my old job, they offered me a raise/promotion, and a heaping dose of GUILT. i had to answer them by the next day.
-coworkers who were upset at me because i had vented to them about another coworker. at the same time, said coworker was fired, allowing her to look like the victim/martyr and leaving me to look like the worst person in the universe. in retaliation, i was ostrasized and treated very badly.
-trying to be mature and drama-free about the situation, i confronted my coworkers, pleading with them to please tell me if i had done/said something to offend them. when they denied everything, and still refused me, all that came out of me was "when you guys talk shit about my talking shit, it makes you all hypocrits. hypcrits and FUCKING COWARDS!". accompanied with sobs, those were my last words to my summer of cutting cheese.
-moments after clocking out for the last time, i drove myself to the movies, bought a giant diet coke, and cried through the entirety of 'eat pray love'. i felt so much better.
-i started my new job at a quaint but trendy little family-run chain of upscale french cafes (patisseries, if you will). back in the midst of the hustle and bustle of my city's financial district. today was day 2, and i cant tell yet if i love it or hate it. i am good at it though, and i do know that with my siouxsie sioux hair-do, smokey eyeliner, and leggings, i fit right in. so i guess we'll see.


school starts next week and i think i'm too exhausted to tell if i'm excited. i'll be taking a mold-making class. and another called 'expressions in clay'. it sounds fancy, but its really just a ceramics class (no, no wheel-throwing. no, i wont be recreating scenes from any demi moore movies).

i'm just trying to take inventory of all the things i learned this summer. about myself, about my life, about how to be myself in my life. multiple times a day, i am making sure to dwell on gratitude. big or small, heavy or petty, i am choosing to thank the universe for everything i have at every opportunity i have it. i have found that the more grateful i am to the universe for its offerings, the more the universe gives me. so lately, when a friend texts me, i thank the universe that i have people in my life that care about me. when i exercise, i thank the universe for my functioning limbs. fuck even when i get home to an empty and desolate apartment, i thank the universe for allowing me a daily dose of 'peace and quiet'.

all this gratitude has really worked wonders for me. cos even though i'm broke, overwhelmed and lonely, i know i'm lucky enough to experience these emotions. for example, i'm broke because i am following my heart and my passion by getting a masters degree in sculpture (how many people can say that?). i'm overwhelmed because i'm an adult with responsibilities; but how lucky am i that i've made it this far without any real calamities? and, yes, maybe i am lonely. but i'm single because i've refused to settle for anything my heart knew wasnt the right match for me, and i'm SO relieved to have only had to deal with a broken heart, and not a broken marriage.


so, reflecting, i know the universe has great things in store for me. i just KNOW these things are right around the corner. i just *FEEL* it.
stay tuned.


current mood: delighted
current music: black mountain - angels

try something new tuesday: job schmob, anxiety attack round 2, san francisco happy hour

i honestly don't know how some bloggers post more than once a day. aren't you out there, living life?
i sure as fuck am.
in fact, i'm using my day off
to experience a myriad of san francisco's little idiosyncrasies. including, presently sitting in a cafe with a glass of white wine and my laptop, next to a trio of asian men drinking cappuccinos and having an expressive, gestural, enthusiastic conversation with each other.
to my right is a lesbian couple with a very obedient pit bull.

todays been nothing short of surreal. allow me the luxury:

lately, work has been absolute, utter, unequivocal TORTURE. an ex-friend/co-worker was fired, and sensing the 'ex' part, all eyes turned to me. not to mention that my bosses decided i'd be better at her customer service job than her, so that i was forced to step away from cheese, into her position, and right into the middle of the evil stares. i lost track of the number of times i got the cold shoulder or the stink eye this week.
new fact: it is very nearly impossible to give great customer service when your co-workers are ostracizing you to the point of tears. "is there anything i can help you with" feels so trite, and miles away from what i really want to say, which is "please tell my co-workers i had nothing to do with (ex-employee) being fired and its not my fault she lied and stole and cheated! please make them understand!"

its suspicious that the bosses made me take over what they dubbed a 'unique blend between cheese expert and customer service' just before they hired two new people: one for cheese, one for customer service. where does that leave me?
not to mention that my direct manager has begun to feel threatened by my developing skill and expertise, and has to decided to embrace the new inexperienced cheese employee instead.
i couldnt win.
then, i was asked to train the two new kids (my replacements, i presume).
i was so stressed.
i was having nightmares.
i was having chest pains.
i was sinking, fast.


my response:


i had another anxiety attack. this one was a doozy. you see, i was driving. on the freeway. far from either home or work. in the middle of rush hour.
and i was so blinded by panic and fear and tears and hyperventilation that i couldnt even see straight, much less drive straight. i almost side-swiped a car, who honked incessantly and then proceeded to tail me and flash their fog lights into my rear view, all while i was still mid-attack. it was a nightmare.
petrified, i tried to draw from past experience and phone my mother for help. she was too busy texting me that she 'didnt need my drama' to answer my numerous calls. i left her a message.
desperate, i called my dad. i didnt know what else to do. i didnt even think to call my therapist, i dunno why. maybe cos i was scared as opposed to confused. my dad did answer and talked me down and instructed me off of the freeway and gave me breathing directions. (his calm response to my sheer panic lets me know that this is all same-shit-different-day for a man who spent 30 yrs married to my mother.)
i still havent heard from my mom.

so, today. i woke up knowing i couldnt go on like this. acknowledgement of that fact led me straight into a chain of events unlike no other that san francisco can offer.
stopping by the post-office to retrieve a blog-giveaway prize of a bag of chia seeds (i know its random, but in addition to my wine, coffee and gum addictions, i am also quite the health nut), i disoriented myself and ended up taking the long way to my school's financial aid office, where i had to drop off overdue paperwork. this unexpectedly longer path led me through the *heart* of my beloved city, and i found myself ACHING to feel like an integral part of its *beat* again. in those moments, i felt like i missed my city with every fiber of my battered being. my whole summer has been nothing but work, cutting and wrapping cheese, and commuting, leaving my days off to attempt to recover enough energy to keep my house and my Self clean. i missed frolicking through the downtown streets. i missed prancing from swanky club to dive bar to burrito joint all in one outfit. i yearned. so i sighed.

once parked in front of my school, i decided to drop off my resume to the next-door cafe that was hiring counter help. so did someone else, who glared at me on her way out. i shyly handed my stapled credentials to the cashiering gal, and she told me to wait ten minutes, when i could meet the manager. too anxious for coffee but craving comfort in the nerve-wracking anticipation, i purchased a small decaf and sat down to browse through the brochures i had absent-mindedly picked up from my school's office. the booklets where all about student housing, and lo and behold, they have special graduate-student-only apartments. hmmm, i had never thought about it before. i could live closer to school, with fellow student artists, be more a part of the community....
next thing i know, the manager calls my name. i hand her my resume and answer her that yes, i am a student down the street. i humbly tell her that i've been working with food lately and that i'm eager to leave my current job and i think i'd be a good fit at this cafe. she smiled, nodded excitedly and said, "i think so too. lets hire you and get you started. can you sign the paperwork tomorrow?" that was it. i've another job. i was hired on the spot, and i start monday. my last thought was, 'well that was easy'.
of course, on my way out, i spilled my decaf all down my pants.


anyway, finally looking around enough to notice i was in brenda's neighborhood, we met up for some spontaneous (and very girly) shopping. which for us means trying on betsey johnson dresses and shoes we could never afford and having them set aside my future wedding dress and shoes for purchase later today (as if).


then we went to macys and bought shirts on sale.


now i sit watching boys walk in with their messenger bags and share a couch with old ladies in layers of beads drinking snapple.
i fucking love my city.
i'm back:)

current mood: content.
current music: the velvet underground - i'm sticking with you.

work in progress. pardon my dust.

i've been absent cos i've been social. not a bad trade-off. until its my day off and i'm too sick to leave the house. well, cheers to the blogging.

in other news, i've a date tomorrow. i'm optimistic about this one, mostly because of the way it came about. the story embraces my awkwardness as a beneficial trait, and in response, he's stepped up. heres how it all went down:
--part 1: about a week ago, a particular customer caught my eye: he was tall, big, with adorably scruffy stubble, and suited up in a genuine white chef's jacket. in the grand tradition of me, i stared longingly at him from way up on my cheese platform until he caught me looking and i averted my eyes, pretending to have been observing something else the entire time. epic fail.
--part 2: at work on saturday we had 'meet the farmers day', which means the farmers we source our produce from come to the store and chat with customers and sample their stuff. i had a long loud day of sampling first organic gelato (cue little kids off-leash running up to me with their sticky faces and stickier fingers to demand their free tablespoon of ice cream, over and over), then a trio of cheeses where people grabbed handfuls at a time and stuffed their mouths only to walk away empty-handed. disgusting. but the clouds parted for a brief moment when i saw him: the chef! there he is! walking around! and i'm not up in my cheese tower, and these samples are the perfect excuse to talk to him! quick, kendra, say something clever and engaging!
"so...uh... are you...like, a chef?" ugh.
his response: 'uh, yeah.' ok, kendra, recover! hurry, there are other people making walking towards you and theyll surely interrupt you to ask you where the bathroom is! quick!
"oh. uh...i've never been there." cue those damn customers, and off he went. epic fail.
--part 3: noel and i decided that after the festival of farmers, and the ensuing parade of greedy customers, at the end of our shift we needed a DRINK. bar-hopping led us to a gastropub and as i was perusing the wine list, i had a moment:
"wait a second! i know this place! the name matches his chef jacket- i've a crush on the chef here!" having had a couple glasses at this point, i was feeling ballsy, and so i revealed my secret admiration to the waitress (who told us my chef was off for the night) and the three of us joked about restaurants and markets. oh what boozy, hazy fun.
more wine. sleep.

next day, at work:
"hey!"
a hangover had me moving slowly, but i looked up from my cheese cutting and: there he was, wearing a big smile and an amused expression. oh my god.
"i heard you stopped by last night and you were looking for me."
oh my god.
i froze. see, i had already mentally put the restaurant and the conversation with the server into a 'do not recall due to heavy drinking' file. i felt the blood immediately rush to my face. not knowing what else to do, i fumblingly descended from my cheese tower and went through the motions of sampling cheeses while he introduced himself and attempted to chat it up. i was bright red and awkward and stammering the entire time. i couldnt even look him in the eye, though i tried several times. i just rambled on and on about cheese like an idiot. i was so embarrassed. it was not pretty for yours truly.


still, he smiled sweetly and asked for my number.
i waited patiently by my phone.

and despite ALL this, he called today and we're going out tomorrow. i said yes for several reasons:
-he came in to see me after hearing about/remembering me. confidence and balls.
-he's a bit chubby, and i like that. cos in my mind, this means he is bound to be jolly.
-he CALLED. not texted, not emailed, CALLED to ask me out. i'm an old-fashioned gal; i liked that.

so my goal for tomorrow night is to undo his first impression of me as an awkward stuttering cheese sampler that gets tipsy and reveals her crushes to strangers-in-common.


current mood: embarrassed, but hopeful nonetheless.
current music: ida maria - i like you so much better when youre naked