work has graced me with my very own 'weekend' by giving me two days in a row off: today and tomorrow. while this is lovely for my aching feet, back, arms, elbows, hands, knees, and hip, it means no access to spontaneously free food.
no matter. i ate fruit/yogurt combos, the hugest salad known to man, and a sandwich. its a challenge to look in the fridge and seek out the food thats on its last legs more than others, and eat THAT.
i did a lot of resting today. ive realized that my binges are stemming from my own sense of self-loathing. i tend to set impossibly high standards for myself, and feel like a failure when i cant live up to them. i have begun to live under an umbrella of FAILURE, so that even tiny moments of feeling 'okay' are all under the ominous black cloud. then in an effort to give myself some credit, it quickly deteriorates into an angry fit, with the rage directed at yours truly.
these binges make me see: i cant live like this, and i dont want to.
SO... in honor of "Try Something New Tuesdays", i allowed myself to rest. i told myself over and over again that i didnt have to do anything i didnt want to. so i was surprised when i ended up at the gym, and even more surprised when i caught myself doing an hour of cardio, and indeed quite floored when i found myself doing a weights session right after. and when i came home and the most activity i did was alternate between resting on the couch and resting in bed, well you could have knocked me over with a feather!
it doesnt mean i'm cured, ive learned that much so far. all day, i actively fought the urge to binge, and i felt that every decision i made for/about/during the day was an utter struggle. its a challenge to not feel guilty about the pile of laundry and the bits of clutter, but its strange that by giving myself permission to lay in bed all day, i actually ended up doing something really great for myself (and i even did my dishes).
i feel that while i'm okay right now, its as though i'm on very thin ice with my Self, and i've to be very very careful with my next moves for a while.
slow, baby steps.
money spent: zero.
current music: nico - these days
current mood: fragile.
No comments:
Post a Comment