we'd hold ice cream hands and make waterfalls out of unicorns

today i came home from work with:
-a whole (free) carton of organic brown eggs
-(free) ripe plums and nectarines
-(free) organic whole grain bread
-(free) gruyere, aged gouda and triple cream brie
-(free) organic pizza
-(free) ricotta cheese
-(free) organic cookies
-a MIND-BLOWINGLY delicious bottle of zinfandel

today i came home from work to a dark and lonely apartment.
today i came home from work and i thought, "my imaginary boyfriend would be so happy to see me tonight".

there's something progressively disheartening about the consistency of this scene.


current mood: one giant sigh.
current music: simon & garfunkel - sounds of silence

it is unclear how my life has become so riddled with obvious metaphors

maybe its all the wine.
just when things were starting to finally go 'okay'.

i mean:
-things were getting better at work. i took over as the 'fromager' and was even offered the responsibility of the marketing and sales of a new cheese; a way to sort of show what i'm made of, for bosses to determine whether or not said contents are worth keeping around. and i was rocking it.
-i got my hair did and it looks awesome.
-i cut back on my gum-chewing and tv-watching vices, but held on to the coffee & wine (and their ensuing culprits: artificial ingredients, refined carbs) because:
-i was seeing friends more. i was out and about, and even managed to double-book myself thursday: joining coworkers for their weekly bowling night followed by another epic post-punk dance night DJ'ed by brenda's fiance. i partied like a brain-damaged dance monkey. AAAANNNDDDDD:
-i went on a date. i met someone during thursday nights escapades, and the next night we met for drinks and a show. like a for reals date. it was my first date since the break-up but i think i did alright. he's a professional writer and way cooler than me (which is hard to do, you know), but having just come off a broken engagement and landing myself right smack dab in the middle of a spiraling roller coaster of self-discovery and 'personal growth', its understandable that i've many reservations.

i'm not sure what to do to feel better. brenda pointed out that i had so much energy to take care of my ex, and provide him with all the love and care and food and laundry i could muster. why cant i turn that on myself?
so that is my new goal. i am going to really focus on happiness (big and small) and gratitude (big and small) this week. i HAVE to turn this around. i have to snap out of this; i have to snap out of this shell of a person my ex left behind. fuck, i hope i can.

cos a HUGE part of me wants to just give up. i have a screaming, urgent desire to hit the road like violence, heading to the deep south and never looking back. i've been turning this idea inside-out in my brain for a while now, but fear holds me back. fear and student loans.


IN HONOR OF 'NEW MUSIC MONDAYS':
ray lamontagne's new album comes out august 17th. i am going to marry that man or someone just like him. here is the latest song thats breaking my heart (with devastatingly appropriate lyrics):

youre welcome.

Operation Freegan status: have figured out ways to score lettuce, eggs, and bread on at least a weekly basis. but i'm counting the minutes til midnight of july 31st. i miss broccoli.

Vices: still there. in full force. now stop reminding me please.

current mood: if usually i feel like a piece of shit, today i've felt like a pile. now?- defeated, but determined.
current music: pink floyd - comfortably numb

monday's menagerie

oh my.

monday started off fine, and i even managed to cut back on my gum and caffeine usage.

i had made plans with my dear friend natty (a brazilian goddess with a rock n roll streak) to visit her for a glass of wine at her and her man's brand new uber chic studio. it had been too long since we had last fully caught up with each other and i found myself filling her in on the details of my broken engagement. it didnt feel awful to talk about it, but it must have done something to my psyche to relive all those horrible memories of being so utterly miserable. because when i went to bed (early) on monday night with a tickle in my throat, i had no idea that i'd wake up on tuesday with my throat ON FIRE and my body aching all over.
i spent tuesday sleeping. i was awake for not more than two hours the entire day. what a fucking waste. i felt like such a failure.

today i felt better and managed to get to the gym and ended up having a great, revitalizing workout. wtf was up with tuesday, i dunno.

so lemme back up, cos i promised you a 'new music monday'.
here is my disclaimer: having worked in the local music industry for approximately 8 years now, i find i'm a bit jaded and i have a hard time finding new music that doesnt make me feel like 'its been done before, and done better'.
lately, i've been looking for music to fuel my workouts. my quest started when i was prepping to run my first 5k, and i was nervous that i wouldn't place because i'm not very fast. i had read that olympic champion swimmer michael phelps would listen to hip-hop to pump him up before a race. my ex provided me with a few song suggestions and man they really worked. particularly, eminem's 'lose yourself'. i beat my own personal record for my first 5k because of that song.

now, i never listen to hip-hop or rap outside of the gym. i stick to post-punk hits, eurotrash electro, and anything too indie to be on the radar. but in the gym, with hip-hop in my ears, I. AM. A. BADASS.
BUT eminem's new album RECOVERY is really quite brilliant. his flow is solid, and he even includes string instruments, acoustic guitar riffs, and some clever drum breaks. even if youre not a fan of the hip-hop/rap genre (TRUST ME I'M NOT), you'll appreciate this album.

in other news, i got my hair did today. my friend lorissa does my hair in the basement of the trendy apartment she shares with her husband and their record collection. she always gives me a healthy, loving dose of reality, and when i grow up i wanna be just like her.

Operation Freegan status: still no money spent on groceries, though i'm getting tired of the same sandwiches. but today i made a mini frittata and it was pretty yummers.

current music: eminem - going through changes
current mood: a bit defeated.

big city girl vices

in order to distract myself from mySelf, i've recently developed layers and layers of bad habits in which to indulge. but now i'm telling myself that its just about time i've faced mySelf and to not my vices get in the way of myself anymore.

i chew way too much gum. i honestly have at least one piece going in my mouth at all times. sometimes two. sometimes three. you see, i buy the fruity flavors and combine a couple different ones in order to create my very own personal calorie-free on-going smoothie. its sick and twisted, i know. and its now starting to affect my palette.

i drink way too much coffee. in order to 'speed up' at work, i began to take advantage of the free folgers choice theyve available in the break room. over time, i've begun to drink coffee 'to wake up', 'to fuel my work out', 'to pick it up a notch at work', 'to complement my meal'. i'm drinking about ten cups a day. at night i lay awake and wonder why i cant seem to get a good nights sleep these days.

i drink way too much wine. this is to combat the effects of the caffeine intake. red wine is my greatest ally to calm my racing thoughts enough to drift off.

i use too many artificial ingredients. case in point(s): a coated palette is now only satisfied with obscene amounts of salt, powders and other artificial flavors to make up for an aspartame-induced tastebud coma; ten cups of coffee = ten packets of splenda, daily.

i eat way too many refined carbs. this ones pretty tame compared to the other habits, and i'm aware thats a direct result of the rules of Operation Freegan, which inadvertantly dictate that i take advantage of the free bread made available to me at work. and lordy is my body craving carbs (normally consumed in the form of fruit and veggies).

i watch way too much tv. from the moment i wake up until the moment the 'sleep' feature kicks in, tv is my background noise. having grown up as the only child of workaholics, tv was my babysitter and the white noise that filled the rooms of an otherwise empty and quiet house. since siphoning cable from my landlord, most of what i watch is trashy reality crap. and i fucking love it. but it procrastinates me.

trust me when i say there are many other vices of which i am the "proud" hostess, but these are just the few i'm willing to share/work on.

this week will be all about cutting back on these bad habits. starting tomorrow. (cos today i made a 'gum smoothie' using a personal record-breaking 6 pieces of gum, sipped my weight in splenda-flavored coffee, ate approximately a quarter loaf of various types of bread, and drank half a bottle of wine while i 'watched' real housewives of new jersey reruns.)

starting tomorrow. just one week. thats what i keep telling myself.

also starting tomorrow? 'new music mondays'. hey.


Operation Freegan status: used what would have been 'grocery money' to take advantage of the last days of the beverages & more wine sale. what what.

current mood: old habits die hard, man.
current music: ida maria - queen of the world.

new direction

i've been avoiding this blog for a couple reasons.
one is that i'm not quite sure what to do with it. which parts of my life are to be highlighted? how often should i be posting if i have ONE READER, who happens to be a friend of mine, who has to hear me tell the story after the poor thing has already read it? i've been feeling the blog has a lack of direction, which speaks volumes as to my current state of mind.

another reason i've not been writing is:
a few hours after my last post, and the day after a serious load of DRAMA was dropped into my lap, i suffered an anxiety attack. my very first, ever in life. in fact, i didnt even know what was happening to me. my body was acting as though i was watching an intensely scary movie, but in reality i was watching saved by the bell reruns. i had to call my mom (who picked up!), who is well-versed in anxiety/panic attacks, to figure out if thats what was going on, and she told me to breathe into a paper bag. it passed in about ten minutes, but i was shaken by it for a few days after.

looking back, it stemmed from sitting in my apartment and it finally sinking in that in the midst of my own personal struggles, i was now taking on the needs of someone else. i had this overwhelming feeling of : "what have i gotten myself into?"
i panicked.

luckily, my friend only needed me as her escape valve for a couple days. she seemed to sense my level of stress and anxiety, and she retreated back into her life to handle it on her own. phew.


i've so much shit going on inside me, but i fully intend to make my blog part of it. i really want to. i've never considered myself a writer, so please be kind. this will be my therapy, my release, my own respite. i want to be honest, and show mySelf, because i am trying hard everyday to accept and love mySelf as i am. sometimes i think i'm awesome, sometimes i think i'm crap.

but here's where i begin:
i drink too much caffeine, but i drink even more wine. i like the silence of a subway ride in the morning. i will try to fight you when im drunk. i consistently fall for boys who love me for one week and hate me for two. after every break-up with, i inevitably feel that conor oberst and friedrich nietzsche are the only men who make any sense to me anymore. i am very polite but i will tear your neck off if you hurt anybody i love. i am constantly motion sick. im a hopeless romantic. i hate being told what to do.
im excellent at being decent. if you yell at me i'll always remember it. i like ice cream when its cold outside. i am sporadically affectionate, but inherently, consistently maternal. youre probably too 'scene' for me. i always try to avoid mirrors. im a sucker for a good hug. i would love to be the reason someone woke up in the morning. on almost a daily basis, i find myself thinking that the key to my domestic bliss lies in rearranging my furniture. i consistently over-tip. i'm eager to please, but in a bitter way. i wish i had the ability to weigh everything before i ate it. i think hating everybody equally means i'm pretty fair. i can never remember what i did last wednesday. i hate being told what to do.

i think i have four basic emotions. one of them is 'drunk'. it is by far my favorite.

current music: the smiths - i started something i couldnt finish (HINT: the song selection will ALWAYS reveal another aspect to what i've said in the post)
current mood: drunk

ashes, ashes, we all fall down

as of last night, i am housing a friend thats going through a divorce, of sorts.

having a friend stay with me for an indeterminable amount of time might seem to present a unique challenge to Operation Freegan. but when we quite literally stormed through her and her lovers' house last night, with wild reckless abandon and declarations like 'take it all' and 'don't leave the bastard a damn thing he would like', while she packed her clothes, pills, and books, i made sure to raid their fridge, pantry, freezer and, most importantly, their liquor cabinet.
we were MAD; we took everything. i'm talking bags and bags and BAGS, filled to their capacities, heaved into the trunk of my car and stuffed down to fit.
so i think we're pretty set.

i wonder what i've gotten myself into, though, harboring a relationship refugee. like, will i be put in the middle of their drama? i hope not.
though i secretly (and selfishly) hope he sends her flowers so that i can replace the wilted bouquet in my kitchen. every girl deserves flowers.
but do boys know?-nothing says 'i love you' like a mix tape.
but still, nothing tops the scene from 'say anything', when lloyd stands outside dianes window and blasts peter gabriel from his boom box. that scene makes all subsequent boyfriends look ridiculous in comparison.

a couple nights ago i had a dream and brian chambers was in it. it was awesome.
man i would like, do something that really sucks for his love. i would like, do geometry homework and stuff for his love.

sigh.
life was so much easier when boys had cooties.

oh! and i randomly ran into my old professor this week! he remembered me even 6 years after i’d aced his philosophical literature class. he said he could never forget the student whos final term paper was: ‘I Camus- Can You? The Existential Dr. Seuss.’
cheeky.



operation freegan status: scored major loot all on my own, including free eggs, fruit, spinach, cottage cheese. not to mention my gal pal's new additions.

current music: ida maria - oh my god.
current mood: hungOVER

"still, he was no dan conner."

today has been a pretty great day. so much so i'd quite like another, please.
a great workout, a little yoga, some retail therapy (at the dollar store- i'm not gonna lie), and a bottle of wine is all it takes, apparently. well, that and a little help from my friends ;)

my good mood got me thinking about some of my past loves, and just how lovely they were. while there are some standouts...:
-the departure: a 6'7 300lb cage fighter with a limited vocabulary but a heart of endearing mush
-the usual: a broke musician that mooched off me and my school loans, but repaid me with songs/lyrics/bass lines written to me
-the douche: a typical 'dude' that would swear his love for my intensity and passion, only to later deem it a burden to the blissful ignorance of his bachelor-dom
-the mistake: my ex fiance. enough said.

...there was/will always be The One: Brian Chambers, legendary boyfriend of all time...
we'd spend our nights drinking red wine, making love, falling asleep holding hands. in the morning, he would wake me gently by playing an iron & wine record. when my eyes opened, he would be sipping coffee, reading the newspaper. he read all the important stuff and i would read our horoscopes. we'd spend the day in dolores park, high on each other.
that was the life...
i would instantly marry the man that could make me feel that way again.

and though he was more of a photographer than a writer, he also wrote this, which incidentally is the nicest thing ever written about me:
" first thing he did was pretend to choke himself with his own scarf. not the first thing she did was compare them to a work of art. without lights he mistook her closet for the bathroom and she heckled him like a breeze. she has the best feet he has ever seen, he makes her hold them over her head so he can see them better. matter-of-factly she tells him he will fall in love with her. matter-of-factly she tells him she doesn't expect to see him again, to look around, don't forget anything. she has a lazy sweetness in her heart, which is a reference to Fitzgerald. she is the girl to end all girls, which is a reference to no one. he wants to time-travel, go back and read her report cards, see her school plays, pin flowers in her hair. everything's in disarray, slow & candied. he likes her. he's screwed. "

things didnt work out for reasons i will most likely go into at a later date.

now, years later, i find myself searching for The Other One. my friends and aquaintances often ask me what my 'type' is, so that they may be on the lookout for said match. but i honestly cant answer what he looks like, just what he feels like.
and he feels like:

Dan Conner. (Roseanne)

i know, i know. once i reveal my crush (on the character, not the actor), i am inevitably on the receiving end of an incredulous glare, accompanied by an eye roll and the infamous 'youre so fucking weird kendra' mantra.
but i cant help it. dan conner was a jolly old soul, easygoing, affable, WITTY, and endlessly devoted to his wife and children. he was loving, and stayed positive, but was always, always, always very much indeed the MAN OF THE HOUSE.
plus i love his extra weight and his beard and his plaid shirts.
awww.


operation freegan status: i only spent money on wine. in honor of 'wine wednesday' of course (i just made that up).


current mood: nostalgic.
current music: the xx- vcr.

Operation Freegan + our heroine does it again

ok ive not posted cos i've been trying to catch up with myself. i've been working so hard, and yes i let off some steam on the dance floor at oldies night, but it doesnt make me any less tired. you'd never think it, but wrapping cheese takes a lot out of you. its a very physical job, with 8 hrs on my feet and constantly lugging heavy wheels of cheese to, from, up, down, in and out of a freezing walk-in refrigerator. think the equivalent of washing/putting away dishes for 8 hrs, and you come close to the physical excertion i go through 6 days a week at this fucking job i'm too good for, but apparently not good AT.
ugh.

oh and i lost my ID at oldies night. im pretty sure it fell out of my pocket as agata and i wiggled around in the photo booth. which means i cant go anywhere, and i can only buy wine at the corner store, where the employees know and recognize me all too well.
ugh.

and you know what? FUCK theres a fucking ABUNDANCE of free food available to me at work. especially since i started befriending a couple of the vendors, and they make sure to set me aside an extra PIZZA, ENTIRE LOAF of bread, BOXES of cookies, etc. i realized this 'spend no money on food for 2 weeks' is TOO EASY! i need a REAL challenging challenge right now, to distract me from the mess my life has become. lost ID and all.

SO, here is the new challenge, and it even has a title: Operation Freegan. The word "freegan" is a portmanteau of "free" and "vegan", and implies "a person who consumes discarded goods, mostly food, especially an environmentally concerned person who wishes to protect the environment and challenge consumerism cycles by waste reduction" (thats from wikipedia, lest i be sued for plagarism).
for the purposes of this blog however, i am removing all political context from the word, and using it only in terms of groceries and their purchase (or lack thereof).

for the ENTIRE MONTH of JULY, i will not buy any groceries! yes, i will buy wine. thats not food, thats just a soothing medicinal beverage. i'll only be posting about food when/if it required any creative manuvering on my part.

so, wish me luck and lets see how it goes.

cos in the meantime, i'm in a bit of struggle with myself. i've been working so hard for so long and its really taking its toll. i mean, as i was going through finals, my fiance and i broke up, and a couple days later i was in an art show, and the next week i started 48-hr weeks of wrapping cheese. i've not had time to rest, much less process anything. its no wonder i'm constantly seeking comfort, from food, wine, friends. obviously, i want to focus on the healthy resources, but when i told someone today that i had lost my identification, she said "wow, thats a loaded statement." she was right.
i cant even fathom dating right now. but i've been in a text message exchange with (GET THIS): my boss's son. he came into the store a few weeks back and it only took us a 5 minute conversation to see we had tons in common, and so we traded digits.

HOWEVER, before you give me too much credit, take note: i am notoriously awkward around boys and though i have excellent social skills, i can not successfully flirt to save my life. not convinced? here is the latest text message conversation between my boss's son and i (s is for son, k is for kendra. anything in italics is my personal commentary):

s: hey edo salon on lower haight is having a killer art show tonight. free drinks and band playing:)

k: which band?

s: hmm, not sure (?)

k: (trying to be witty) never heard of them. hardy har ;)

s: ;] me neither kendra.....
s: i bet they suck real bad!

k: (trying to seem jaded and too cool for school) suck? no way! not just any old band can book a hair salon in a city that lost its relevance 15 yrs ago.

(a couple of hours pass with no response. i use the time to re-read the text exchange)
k: oh damn its not your band is it? :/
(more silence)
k: awkward.


applause applause. only me, ladies and gentlemen, this would only happen to me.



im gonna be alone forever.


current music: magnetic fields - absolutely cuckoo
current mood: exhausted

one day having a blog will be useful. in the meantime...

i'm hittin up oldies night at the knockout with agata tomorrow night. i'm pretty excited, since i've been wanting to return to oldies night for almost a year and watching the beatles movie last night got me in the right head space. and maybe there will be cute boys to stare at awkwardly until they catch me looking.

also, i'm not gonna question my desire to color so much anymore. i've not worked on any art since the end of the semester (about a month), and i've decided my coloring impulse is my psyche's way of releasing some creativity in a soothing, theraputic way, no?
because i mean, i'm not really flexing my artistic muscles when i stretch saran wrap around wedges of cheese all day, and all this crafty brilliance has to go SOMEwhere. ;)

in other news, my freegan experiment is going surprisngly well. i made friends with the bread vendor and snagged a couple free loaves to stick in my freezer. if nothing else, at the end of the two weeks, i'll be surviving off of bread.
ya know, i never realized how much my small food purchases actually add up. if it wasnt for this self-imposed challenge, i'd be indulging in my cravings the way i usually do: a bag of chips here, a chocolate bar there, and spending more.
i kinda dig it.

ps. agata says my 'its my birthday' excuse has yet to expire. re: tomorrow night will be epic.

money spent on food: zero.

current music: michelle shocked - when i grow up.
current mood: encouraged.