the end.
curent mood: done.
current music: the smiths - heavens knows i'm miserable now.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
let the record show
i felt like a disease.
i never gave up on the universe. it gave up on me long ago. i gave it all the positive visualizations it wanted and more, but it turned its back on me and forced me to go at it alone.
so i reached out to some friends, those whose love i feel is unfaltered, despite my mood or energy.
and it turns out that im not so alone in this world. their love is as close to unconditional as you can get amongst a group of hipsters, slackers, and young flamboyants trying to make ends meet in san francisco.
this gave me courage enough to pick up the phone and call my parents. i begged them for help. i was sobbing and honest and i begged them for some kind of help. my father sent some rent money and my mother sent xanax. both the money and the pills will be in my possession by tuesday.
help is on the way.
i never gave up on the universe. it gave up on me long ago. i gave it all the positive visualizations it wanted and more, but it turned its back on me and forced me to go at it alone.
so i reached out to some friends, those whose love i feel is unfaltered, despite my mood or energy.
and it turns out that im not so alone in this world. their love is as close to unconditional as you can get amongst a group of hipsters, slackers, and young flamboyants trying to make ends meet in san francisco.
this gave me courage enough to pick up the phone and call my parents. i begged them for help. i was sobbing and honest and i begged them for some kind of help. my father sent some rent money and my mother sent xanax. both the money and the pills will be in my possession by tuesday.
help is on the way.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
i've not written and i've no plans to write anytime soon. im only here to explain.
i've fallen into a 'clinical depression'. its pretty severe and the only reason my therapist hasnt hospitalized me is because i am not suicidal. i hate myself. and the fact that i am too much of a chicken shit to actually end it all makes me hate myself all the more.
i have been fighting off depression since i was 12 yrs old. sometimes medication helped, sometimes it didnt. this time, i'd been running for too long and i got tired and it finally caught up to me. i am drowning unlike ever before.
i see no point in living anymore. i have lost interest in everything. i feel no desire, i feel nothing. nothing. nothing.
i am so incredibly alone. i am never sure anymore if my friends even like me. i feel like i am always bothering them.
i can not BELIEVE the universe INSISTS that i wake up everyday. and not only that, the universe forces me to live with myself every second.
my only escape is sleep. which is aided by handfuls of otc sleeping pills every night, though the dosage is being taken earlier and earlier every day.
i cant even go through the motions at this point. i am hopeless, helpless, worthless. i just wish i was dead.
i've fallen into a 'clinical depression'. its pretty severe and the only reason my therapist hasnt hospitalized me is because i am not suicidal. i hate myself. and the fact that i am too much of a chicken shit to actually end it all makes me hate myself all the more.
i have been fighting off depression since i was 12 yrs old. sometimes medication helped, sometimes it didnt. this time, i'd been running for too long and i got tired and it finally caught up to me. i am drowning unlike ever before.
i see no point in living anymore. i have lost interest in everything. i feel no desire, i feel nothing. nothing. nothing.
i am so incredibly alone. i am never sure anymore if my friends even like me. i feel like i am always bothering them.
i can not BELIEVE the universe INSISTS that i wake up everyday. and not only that, the universe forces me to live with myself every second.
my only escape is sleep. which is aided by handfuls of otc sleeping pills every night, though the dosage is being taken earlier and earlier every day.
i cant even go through the motions at this point. i am hopeless, helpless, worthless. i just wish i was dead.
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