i've not written and i've no plans to write anytime soon. im only here to explain.
i've fallen into a 'clinical depression'. its pretty severe and the only reason my therapist hasnt hospitalized me is because i am not suicidal. i hate myself. and the fact that i am too much of a chicken shit to actually end it all makes me hate myself all the more.
i have been fighting off depression since i was 12 yrs old. sometimes medication helped, sometimes it didnt. this time, i'd been running for too long and i got tired and it finally caught up to me. i am drowning unlike ever before.
i see no point in living anymore. i have lost interest in everything. i feel no desire, i feel nothing. nothing. nothing.
i am so incredibly alone. i am never sure anymore if my friends even like me. i feel like i am always bothering them.
i can not BELIEVE the universe INSISTS that i wake up everyday. and not only that, the universe forces me to live with myself every second.
my only escape is sleep. which is aided by handfuls of otc sleeping pills every night, though the dosage is being taken earlier and earlier every day.

i cant even go through the motions at this point. i am hopeless, helpless, worthless. i just wish i was dead.